Wow feeling good

I don't know what to say. Maybe I'm getting better from doing the things the doctor told me to do. I'm staying away from breads. I'm eating mostly eggs, vegetables, and fruits. I'm drinking more water. I'm taking the B-6. I stept well last night. Nothing to complain about. Its wonderful.

We made tamales today. Rosario made me some eggs Mexican style. They were so delicious. They were the best I've ever had (for the simplicity of how she made them.) We sold lots of Tamales for the super-bowl parties tomorrow. Tomorrow is Sunday and no work, just rest. I am looking forward to Church.

I haven't felt healthy for so long I've forgotten how it felt. I am so full of gratitude for today.

catch up

Last night I went to visiting teacher interview by the Relief Society President. She is wonderful and so sweet. We had a nice visit about what my needs are and was told that every one loves me here. Just so others not Mormon (LDS) understand visiting program is a program in the relief society in our Church. Any one can come to the meetings on Sunday. Its the largest women organization in the world. We sometimes are asked to help relief others suffering and that is why it is called that name. They set it up so each woman has two woman assigned to them and each woman is assigned two woman. So we get a visit each month with the lesson of that month. We in turn have a companion sister and we visit two women at their home each month and give the lesson. This is the link to the lesson. http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=45989a74a342f110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=true

So once a year we all are interviewed by the President to see how we are doing. To see if we are getting our visit and to see if their is any problems. It is a great program and I have always felt like I'm looked after even through tx. Although tx was so tricky, I felt so alone but I didn't want anyone around me. It was darn if I do and darn if I don't. Now I can reach out and let others help me. So it was a good meeting and we talked about me having another calling in the Church besides a visiting teacher. I'm not sure I'm ready yet. But you really feel blessed by doing something in Church, wether its working with little kids or young women (teens). This is a all volunteer Church. Everyone gives there time and talents. AS you give ....you recieve more talents then you ever knew you had. I have missed out during this year of tx.

Last night I sleep better. I have been taking the supplements, drinking more water, and rubbing the pressure points. One is under the arms. Behind the breast. You rub upwards to empty the lymph glands. That is one very important one and as it is emptyed and stops hurting as much then junk can move on through the body. (something like that) Another stop that is really sore on me is inner thigh about the knee. ouch. So I have massaged it a lot last night while watching a movie. As you notice spots that hurt you can press or rub those spots. They hurt for a reason. I wanted to explain this more so Fishy can do this. I wish I was there to show her. I will be in London in the next few months to see my daughter so must see Fishy too.

Today was tamale day. We sold six dozen and the house has that yummy smell. I couldn't eat any today from this diet. I did test a bite or two of the sweet corn tamales but I needed to as we make them. So I had ground corn, grated cheese, and sugar. At least I am sticking to the diet except those bites.

Tomorrow is tamale day. I figured out that Arizona Cardinals football team play the super bowl on Sunday. So I sent a text and email to drum up some orders. Since I don't work on Sunday, I'm making them tomorrow and people can heat them in the microwave for Sunday's game. I'm thankful to God for these orders and to this girl who is the best tamale maker I've known. Honestly, I have never cared to much for tamales till I had hers.

Back to Doctor

Last night I had a bad night. (But not as bad as before) I was slow getting up today. I called the doctor and asked if I could learn what pressure points he rubbed on me that took away the main pain. He told me that would be fine. I went in and asked lots of questions. Having brain fog ; ) I forgot the answers. I did learn where to rub on my body to activate energy flows. Its easy and it works. So tonight as I'm watching a movie on my laptop, I've been able to do the pressure points. I'm still not tired. I wonder if its still the ribas in my blood. Its stays for 6 months as it takes that long for your red blood cells to make new ones. That means one more month till I'm fully detoxified.
There was a message on the board today from Terry. Terry told of feeling great right after tx (like I did) then feeling awful (like I am). Terry took everything from the doctor and finally went to a naturalpathic doctor (like I did yesterday) and the doctor told Terry to change her food (like mine did) Terry felt great about two weeks later and feels great to this very day (like I will!)

The doctor is in

I had a rough night. Not as bad as the others. I told a hot bath and extra pain pills. I woke up early but stayed in bed as late as possible for my appointment. Saw my naturalpathic doctor. In his opinion my diet is the cause of the pain. He did some witch doctor voodoo stuff on me."Not really", just like to call it that. Poked me here and there. Rubbed the right pressure points causing the pain. And vaalaa. No pain. He gave me some supplements that strengthened me. One was Magnesium plus more that I can't remember but mostly magnesium. The other was B6. I take them three times a day. Keep taking my omega threes. No bread, no milk, no glutton. He suggested lots of eggs, avocado, and other vegetables, fruits, meats. I went to dinner with my son and his friend. It was at Macaroni Grill. I had a steak, potatoes, and asparaguse. I barely ate any of it so got a take home bag. I'll be eating steak with my eggs. The doctor told me I must eat breakfast and lunch. I'm not going to complain. There are many in the world that have very little to eat. I would be ungrateful to complain about this diet. I complained a bit but I'll stop that and just do it.

Waking up in the night

I found this talk that I enjoyed about Faith.

David E. Sorensen, “Faith Is the Answer,” Liahona, May 2005, 72–74

Remember that faith and obedience are still the answers—even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.
Image

In the early 1950s the United States was at war on the Korean peninsula. Because of the draft policy of the government at that time, young men were not allowed to serve missions but instead required to join the military. Knowing this, I enrolled in the Army Reserve Officers’ Training Corps when I went to college. My goal was to become an officer like my oldest brother. However, during a visit home for the Christmas holiday, my home-ward bishop, Vern Freeman, invited me into his office. He advised me that a young Church leader by the name of Brother Gordon B. Hinckley had negotiated an agreement with the U.S. government permitting each ward in the Church in the United States to call one young man to serve a mission. This young man would receive an automatic deferment from the military during his mission.

Bishop Freeman said he had been praying about it and felt he should recommend me to serve as a full-time missionary representing our ward. I explained to him that I had already made other plans—I had enrolled in the Army ROTC and expected to become an officer! My bishop gently reminded me that he had been prompted to recommend me to serve a mission at that particular time. He said, “Go home and talk to your parents and come back this evening with your answer.”

I went home and told my father and mother what had happened. They said the bishop was inspired, and I should happily accept the Lord’s invitation to serve. My mother could see how disappointed I was at the prospect of not becoming an army officer right away. She quoted:

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” 1

That night I went back to the bishop’s office and accepted his invitation. He told me to go to the Selective Service Office and advise them of my decision.

When I did so, to my surprise the lady who was chairman of the Selective Service Office told me: “If you accept a mission call, you will receive your draft notice before you can reenter Army ROTC. You will serve as an enlisted man, not as an officer.”

Despite this unexpected change, my mission was wonderful. It changed the course of my life as it does for those who serve. But, true to their word, the government sent an induction letter drafting me into the U.S. Army about one month before my mission release.

After boot camp and military police school, I found myself assigned to an army base to work as a military policeman. One night I was given an all-night assignment to escort a convoy of prisoners from one camp to another.

During the night the convoy stopped at a halfway point for a rest. The commanding officer instructed us to go into the restaurant and drink coffee so we could stay awake the rest of the night. Right away he noticed that I declined. He said, “Soldier, you need to drink some coffee to stay awake the rest of this trip. I do not want any prisoners escaping or causing trouble on my watch.”

I said, “Sir, I respectfully decline. I am a Mormon, and I don’t drink coffee.”

He didn’t care for my answer, and he again admonished me to drink the coffee.

Again, I politely refused. I took my place at the rear of the bus, my weapon in hand, praying in my heart that I would stay awake and never have to use it. The trip ended uneventfully.

A few days later the same commanding officer invited me into his office for a private interview. He told me that even though he had worried that I would not be able to stay awake during the all-night trip, he appreciated that I had stood by my convictions. Then to my amazement he said his assistant was being transferred and he was recommending me to be his new assistant!

For most of the next two years I had many opportunities for leadership and managerial assignments. As it turned out, the positive experiences during my military service were more than I had ever dreamed possible.

From this simple story—and many more like it over the course of my life—I have learned faith and obedience are the answers to our concerns, cares, and suffering. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is truly the power that can change our lives and lead us to salvation.

How can we build this faith? Through our actions. We must “go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded,” 2 just as Nephi counseled. We must trust in the Lord with all our hearts, as my mother so lovingly taught me. Gratefully, many times when we exercise faith to do the Lord’s will, we find that we are richly blessed for our obedience.

Sometimes, though, we find that even when we do our best to serve the Lord, we still suffer. You may know someone who faces these most challenging of circumstances: consider the parent whose child becomes ill, for whom everyone prays and fasts with all their heart and soul, but who ultimately dies. Or the missionary who sacrifices to go on a mission, then develops a terrible illness that leaves him or her severely disabled or in chronic pain. Or the woman who lives her life as faithfully and obediently as she can but is never able to have the children she hopes for. Or the wife who does her very best making a good home for her family and raising her children, but whose husband leaves her. The scriptures have many examples of people who were saved after showing great faith, such as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego in the fiery furnace. But the scriptures also have many examples of devout people who did not get divine intervention during a crisis. Abinadi was burned at the stake; John the Baptist was beheaded; Alma and Amulek’s followers were cast into the flames. To do well does not mean everything will always turn out well. The key is to remember that faith and obedience are still the answers—even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.

Remember the Lord has promised that He will help us as we face adversity. He has particular compassion for those who suffer. It was He who said, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” 3

As part of the Atonement, our Savior suffered all things. He knows physical and emotional pain; He knows the sorrow of loss and betrayal. But He showed us that ultimately love, patience, humility, and obedience are the path to true peace and happiness. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you.” But then, to warn us to look for more than just worldly comfort, Jesus added, “Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.” 4 The world sees peace as the absence of conflict or pain, but Jesus offers us solace despite our suffering. His life was not free of conflict or pain, but it was free of fear and full of meaning. The Apostle Peter wrote: “If, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

“For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: …

“Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously.” 5

We who have accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior must rely wholly on the merits of Christ. He will save us after all we can do. When we courageously exercise our faith and when we go forward relying on the merits of Christ, He will bless us and guide us in all of our efforts. He will strengthen us and bring us peace in the time of our trials. “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 6 I pray that each of us can better learn to put our trust in the Lord and to increase our faith in Him.

Now, brothers and sisters, in closing I wish to mention one other topic. Over the past years I have been blessed to be able to observe President Hinckley closely, and I want to remind you that President Hinckley is not only a living prophet but also a living seer. He sees things that others do not see. He has the gift of discernment; he is an optimist and a realist. I wish to express my gratitude to the Lord for preserving President Hinckley’s life and permitting him and his noble counselors to lead the Church for these past 10 years. Through President Hinckley’s divine guidance, the Church has received many far-reaching blessings, many that are not obvious. I strongly encourage each of you to more closely follow his counsel and guidance, for truly “a seer hath the Lord raised up unto his people.” 7

Jesus is the Christ. Joseph is the prophet of the Restoration. President Gordon B. Hinckley is our living prophet. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes

1. Prov. 3:5–6.

2. 1 Ne. 3:7.

3. Matt. 5:4.

4. John 14:27.

5. 1 Pet. 2:20–21, 23.

6. 2 Cor. 5:7.

7. Moses 6:36.

Tamale day

Today was a work day. We made six dozen tameles. I love the smell of the sauce cooking. The house smells so good. Eating a couple at the end of the day is such a delight. Rosario helped me clean my daughters room so all her stuff is in boxes. Oh she has so much stuff. Mostly shoes, hats, purses, clothes. We put my sons stuff in a big box. He doesn't have so much. Then I got a call from the renters that they would not be moving in that apartment. At least the work is done for someone else to look at the place. This time I'll get a contract. I'm too trusting.
I'm still at my wits end on what is causing this pain. I'm going to my doctor of natural medicine tomorrow. If that doesn't work I'll keep working on this problem. Its difficult to focus on it when i'm losing sleep. One different angle I have is emotional pain. Maybe I havent' forgiven from my marriage and I still fear. I have nightmares about him and his kids. I listen to scriptures as I drive my car. Today I heard a part of the scriptures when one of the prophets feel pain of his sorrows no more. I'm going to spend much of the next couple of days praying and feasting on the word of God through the scriptures. I want to feel the pains of my sorrows no more. I know all I have to go through is for my good and to strengthen me. I'd like to say...hey...I'm strong enough here...please spare me. But I need to trust and develop my faith. I've been so messed up on the interferon and ribas that I lost my spiritual strength. I was so happy to go to all three Church meetings on Sunday. It made me feel much happier.

Sunday April 6

Had a nice Church day. My son came and joined me for sacrement meeting then went off to the Young Singles Ward. Hes coming back to join me for dinner. I mentioned on my other post that its "take out"I picked up last night.
The speakers for sacrement were good. A young girl about 16 talked about plead, read, and record to feel the spirits promtings.That means to pray to God to know his will for us on this day. Then to read scriptures and we will feel a prompting to do. Next to record this event and we will see how the Lord works in our lives as we invite him to. The young man of 19 talked about how we can be blessed if we only do Gods will. He gave many acountings from the sriptures to explain this. He is going to Brazil on his Mission. These boys are amazing to leave everything for two years of their life to do Gods will. I want to go on a Mission as soon as I'm better. For my age, I believe its a 1year or 1 1/2 year mission. I'll sell my car for the money to go. Hopefully soon. I want to visit my daughter in London first. I think I can do a mission right here and just stay living at home. Why am I talking of a Mission when I'm planning on my bussiness? I'll see how it goes. I can build up the bussiness and let someone else run things as I do the Mission. Just thinking about this shows me how I'm feeling better then I was last Sunday. Last Sunday my mood was very low. Now I'm stable. Not high or low. Just right.

Australia

Went to see the movie "Australia" tonight. I had low expectations since I feel the film industry has lost its way. I was happily disappointed so therfore I was happy with the movie. It was very much like I would imagine the country to be. Harsh at times and wonderful. Maybe like interferon is, if we can make it through tx and post tx. Yes I'd say harsh and wonderful to get to the other side.
After the movie I drove to Pei wei's to get take out. My son said he'd come to Church with me and eat at the house tomorrow. I didn't have any food and wanted the kitchen to stay clean for tamale making on Monday. I drove up five minutes before the closing of the restaurant. I feel like I succeeded at picking a good movie and getting tomorrows dinner.
I didn't get much done today. The sun came out in the mid day and I quickly went out back to see in it. Oh it was nice to sit in the sun!
I had taken a pill last night for fibro because I was in oh so much pain. I slept well and woke up feeling like it was wrong to take another pill. Its Lyrica. I looked it up on line and saw many that had problems with it. We have to be so careful not to take anything put in front of us. My doctor means well but its not going to be the right pill for me. I feel its diet related and need a cure and not a pill for the simptems. I think it was the chocolate I ate that caused the flare up. I was at Costco and there was a booth there selling chocolate without sugar. The samples were so good and I bought some.Thinking they were healthy without suger, I ate a couple of bars. I won't bore anyone much longer. I decided today, that I wouldn't eat that chocolate again. I tried to contact my doctor of natural medicine. In the afternoon, I went by his office. It was opened and no one inside. I went in the back and found the supplement I needed and left a twenty under his phone. When he called me back I told him what I'd done. He told me that is fine and I have an appointment on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to getting this sorted out and wonder what took me so long to see him. I'm feeling almost pain free tonight. I have been keeping a food journal on my desktop calender. Its helping me get to the bottom of my troubles.
I heard from my daughter for about 20 seconds. She told me she was going to sleep and goodnite.

Feeling more like myself

I'm feeling more like myself. Calmer and more steady. I went to Costco to return a broken camera from two years ago. I finally found the box and could prove its the camera I bought. They did finally give me store credit after some haggling. At the same time I asked about selling my tamales there. They will pass my phone number on to the buyer. I better hurry and get my company planned out. Name, trade mark, and so forth. When I went to Lee Lees Market, I taked to the buyer. He wants a sample and to know I have the FDA aproval stamp. So the selling part is easy. I should just be a saleswoman. I love to talk to people. This is how I know my old self is back. When the post tx depression hit, I hide myself away. Only post tx people could really understand. The anti d is here to stay for a while. I've experimented by stopping it and I really did change. So if you are into Scientology....good luck with hep-c. You can't beat it by will power and positive thinking alone. The other heppers I've seen are all very strong people. They have tried everything just like me. Its best to just go through the tx and give it your best shot. No achohol. No drugs except the ones from your doctor. Some smoke weed on tx. I don't know if most of them have hep c negative later or not. I can certainly understand it. But the anti ds should help and its best to be monitored by your doctor. That is if you love your doctor. I wouldn't care for most of them. My doctor is so wonderful and understanding. I'm so thankful for my family doctor. My house is a mess but it doesn't concern me as much. I did exercise today. Doing my own routine of calisthenics on the tramp. Like this webpage.
http://www.expertvillage.com/video-series/83_calisthenics.htm

Had a nice dinner date

This morning my daughter texted me she was in London. I texted her back and she me. It was great to communicate from such a distance. The rest of the day I took time out for myself. I bought some omega 3s, had part of a healthy sandwich for lunch. I sat by the pool. It was eighty degrees and its still January. I relaxed most of the day in bed with my laptop. I checked the news. This is the day Obama became President. I don't have much of a opinion on that. The problems in the world are going to take time to sort out. The world leans to the left, then it will lean to the right. Years of plenty and years of drought. We all should prepare for the bad years when all is good. So it was a good day. No guilt for not getting something done. I have been so busy thinking I had to make up for the lost hours, I forgot the most important person is myself. I'm still fragile and will have to change my negative thinking to be accepting and happy of what I'm feeling at this time. I collected my friend Richard at the airport. We went out to eat at PF Changs. It was nice and relaxing. Richard kept my thinking on a positive note. He would interrupt when I would use negative language. Its a habit from tx that I need to break. I had rebound depression this last week but I'm coming out of it. I had a few days of anti ds. I am going to take it slower this time around. I'm going to start back on a exercise routine once more. Richard strongly encouraged me to not order a coke so I had water. I will quit soda. Now I'm home in bed. I will sleep good tonight.

Changes

Last night I took a half a anti-d. Been depressed. Bad thoughts. I heard if you get off anti-ds too soon after tx you may have a rebound deppression. I sleep last night better then I had for weeks. I payed for and orderd some saint johns wort from a friend. Now I took the anti-d, I can't take the saint johns wort. This tx doesn't mess everyone up like me, so don't worry if you read this and need to be on tx. I was not stable when I started tx. I had married a con-artist socialpath. I found out after a year of marriage , then divored him. I waited almost a year before starting tx but I was not recoved from that marriage. This man is so bad that he makes messes of people where ever he goes, so I was just normal road kill to him. When I started tx, I felt it was a piece of cake compared to that experience. Now I realize the pain is still there buried and poking out from time to time.
Today was a better day. Rosario came over to make tamales with me. Its a escape. I love it. Love fixing food for people and the people liking the food and paying for it. Now I know how it must feel to be a restaurant owner. Today was a school holiday and she brought her five year old. As she walked in the dog ran up the stairs to greet her. He jumped out of the box he was lying in for over two days. Then he began to eat. I guess it was the spark he needed.
My daughter left to London today. We had a big argument in the morning. Terrible of us. Yelling took place. Then a breakthrough. Some understanding of each others feelings. It was good.
I dont' know if I should continue the anti-ds. I think I should take a half for a few days then back to a quarter. I can't go on like this without sleep and feeling miserable. The worse is when nothing else is wrong and you wonder why you feel horrible. That is the worse guilt trip. Strange thing is this. I knew this tx would hurt my brain...that was the very thing that worried me. Reading the warning label and knowing this would happen. I was right, it did, and I'm not the confident, happy woman I was. I do have hope she will return someday. I have glimpses of it. I do believe this is not permanent if I can hang in there. I have heard that thyroid problems can be permanent and so far mine has stayed the course. I had it checked last week, just in case that is my problem. I'll know more tomorrow.

Experiment

I'm having quite a bit of insomnia. Taking pills is getting to be a never ending game. I have a goal of getting off all pills. I decided to see what happens when I record or blog each night. I will see if that helps me sleep better. We are told if we record or journal each day, we will have blessings from it. I want to see if one of the blessings is better sleep.

I had a rough day yesterday. My little dog had a seizure. He must of had a prolonged one. When I found him, I thought he was dead. I rushed him to the vet and they put him on oxygen and worked on him. When he was stable I decided to let him have a chance over the weekend to come around. I couldn't fall asleep till about three am. Then I had to get up early. My dog is better today. He can stand up for short amounts of time. He is not eating. I bring him water that he laps up. I have also let him drink a bit of sugar water. His blood sugar was low at the vets. I'm happy he is better.
My son and daughter are moved out. He is the only one left to keep my company at home. He is a really good dog.
The bill was a bit much for a animal doctor. I did't have them run tests. That could have cost much more. I won't spend that much on a dog. I love the little dog so much but he is a dog. I'd rather give the money to a poor family without food then spend it on vet bills.

My daughter is moving to London on Monday. She is excited and I'm excited for her. It will be cold. The weather is great here in Arizona. I only wish she would have waited. But she is not one to wait around.

I will make a comment on my post tx condition. I'm still thirty pounds over weight, even though I'm off the anti ds. I'm still in a fragile emotional state. I really need anti=ds but the weight gain has to go. My eyes are still bad along with dry eyes. I have insomnia and pain. Gee that sounds terrible. Sorry about that.

Positives....My hair is growing back, I have endless energy, I am getting a lot of work accomplished. Making tamales is great. I make and sell them twice a week. I plan to expand to catering events.

Saw the Doctor on Thursday. He took blood work to check everything. My thyroid, hormones, liver levels, and the final hep=c test (hopefully negative)
I'm just about five months post. I should have waited till six months post for the big test but I'm sure if its still clear now it will stay that way. I have an idea that it will take a year to recover from tx. The reason is I'm older and I've had hcv for over twenty years. My liver was moderately damaged. I need to be patient with myself and I have little of that. Seeing it in words will help me remember to be patient and gentle with myself.

still coming back from interferon

I have insomnia which causes me to be more emotional then normal. I'm more uptight then I use to be. I have lots of energy. I feel I'm making up for lost time. All the times I had to take naps from being ill from the hcv. My kids don't understand why I want to be organized, why I want to have events on calenders. I was so relaxed in the past. All the time they were growing up, I was not organized. Now that I'm playing catch up to twenty years of illness, I just have a desire to be organized. I was always envious of others that had a smooth running house hold. As a single mother I was already at a disadvantage. Not complaining, I'm just trying to understand the new me.

I still have mood swings of high and low. Often this can happen in a short period of time. Not having a good nights sleep may contribute to this. I went to the doctor today to get some true sleep aids. I found out the xanax I took was not a true sleep aid but more for anxiety. I had blood work done. This is the test to let me know if I'm rid of the Hep=c. Also testing my thyroid and hormones. All of those can affect my mood and can be caused by the interferon tx. I hope we find some answers.


For the most part, I feel good, lots of energy, working, enjoying life.

I'll tell you what went wrong

I had a terrible week. I usually keep the Sabath Day holy. I go to Church and come home and rest. Its saved me from having added stress. That is the one day I count on and my body and mind count on to rest.
This Sunday I came home from Church and lay in Bed with my laptop. I was trying to buy health insurance on line for my adult children. It was such a hassle. It wasn't set up very well and I had to start over many times. I felt like killing the computer. That made me very stressed. I them begin to think of how my children should have done this themselves since they are unemployed. But I told them Id do it and felt I must keep my word. I justified working on Sunday by thinking it was service for my kids. It was not really, it was work...hard work. That made me so stressed I didn't sleep all night. Monday was a big tamale making day. Then my daughter had a flat on Monday. I went to help her. We got in a argument. I came home and cried. Rosario was there to hold me while I cried. It felt so nice. After we delivered the tamales and I went home...I called my kids over. I wanted them to help me more. To be more thoughtful. I needed to express my feelings. They didn't understand and just felt I was selfish. I felt unable to communicate my feelings and I felt unloved. I wonder if many post tx patients feel this way. I was aways generous before tx. I must have more bounderies now. This next Sunday I will do what I have always done ...that is to rest after Church. Fix a simple meal and just recover from the week. I've learned my lesson. My body and mind must have that time off. I believe we get blessed from obedience to Gods laws. That they are there for our good and happiness. I am learning to delegate things to my children that they should do themselves. It was a terrible week but one full of learning about myself. I am still very fragile.

Holidays are over

I've been trying to do something new. We have been told in Church that we can get revelation from God for ourselves. This is how we are told to do it. Pray in the morning of what Gods will is for us this day. Then we read the scriptures. As we do this we will get a impression. That still small voice of the holy ghost (intelligence) telling us Gods will for us this day. As we do that thing we have an impression of we are told to record it in a journal at the end of the day. As we do this we will better understand personal revelation.
I have been doing this. Most of the time I think of a friend to call. Or it may be something else. Some amazing things have taken place. I can't post them on here since this is an open blog.
A coupld of days ago I got the impression to call a friend from Church. I see her on Sundays but have no idea what has gone on in her life. I told her I had an impression to call her.She had so much on her plate. She needed to talk for quite a while. It was good that I listened to that impression.
A few days befor that I had a terrible day feeling unloved by family. Its not true but I felt that way. I really must keep to this program of pray, read, and record. I am finding out there is always a need that I can help with. Life is too short not to be kind and helpful. The trouble I've always had was helping the wrong people that take advantage of me. Now that I'm doing the pray, read, and record, I'm finding direction that is positive. Now my will, but Gods will. He will always know all things. he know me and my gifts, talents. Knows me better then myself. So I'm putting this into practice to feel my way through this harsh world we live in.
Also doing well making tamales. That was not my idea either. It was also a impression I got as I prayed and read the scriptures. I didn't record it as I should have.Not in my wildest dreams I would be in the tamale making business but here I am. It is making me happy but I won't have thought this could make me happy. Only God knew it and guided me.
I'm thankful for tender mercies. So much to be grateful for. I'm sorry about the times I feel depressed and unloved. Those feelings does not come from God but from the adversary. Those feeling are not reality, but since I'm alone, I do get lonely and depressed about it from time to time. i had an impression to have my kids over once a week for a family night. They are happy to have a scheduled family night. Its nice to look forward to it.
I'm sure that is why so many marry too quickly in my age group. Just out of loneliness but more often then not the marriage is wrong.
I'm starting this business and its keeping me busy and out of trouble.

Happy New Year to all. I think and pray often for the dear friends I've met through hep-c forums.