Changes

Last night I took a half a anti-d. Been depressed. Bad thoughts. I heard if you get off anti-ds too soon after tx you may have a rebound deppression. I sleep last night better then I had for weeks. I payed for and orderd some saint johns wort from a friend. Now I took the anti-d, I can't take the saint johns wort. This tx doesn't mess everyone up like me, so don't worry if you read this and need to be on tx. I was not stable when I started tx. I had married a con-artist socialpath. I found out after a year of marriage , then divored him. I waited almost a year before starting tx but I was not recoved from that marriage. This man is so bad that he makes messes of people where ever he goes, so I was just normal road kill to him. When I started tx, I felt it was a piece of cake compared to that experience. Now I realize the pain is still there buried and poking out from time to time.
Today was a better day. Rosario came over to make tamales with me. Its a escape. I love it. Love fixing food for people and the people liking the food and paying for it. Now I know how it must feel to be a restaurant owner. Today was a school holiday and she brought her five year old. As she walked in the dog ran up the stairs to greet her. He jumped out of the box he was lying in for over two days. Then he began to eat. I guess it was the spark he needed.
My daughter left to London today. We had a big argument in the morning. Terrible of us. Yelling took place. Then a breakthrough. Some understanding of each others feelings. It was good.
I dont' know if I should continue the anti-ds. I think I should take a half for a few days then back to a quarter. I can't go on like this without sleep and feeling miserable. The worse is when nothing else is wrong and you wonder why you feel horrible. That is the worse guilt trip. Strange thing is this. I knew this tx would hurt my brain...that was the very thing that worried me. Reading the warning label and knowing this would happen. I was right, it did, and I'm not the confident, happy woman I was. I do have hope she will return someday. I have glimpses of it. I do believe this is not permanent if I can hang in there. I have heard that thyroid problems can be permanent and so far mine has stayed the course. I had it checked last week, just in case that is my problem. I'll know more tomorrow.