Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving just passed. Nice day with the cousins and in-laws.My daughter moved out the next day. My son had already moved out. Its good and was needed. My mental health is improving since I'm not stressed about their lives. I can't be impartial to my own kids needs and struggles without feeling their pain. Its a nice break for me. No worries about what time they get up, or get home, if they work, or if they are going to school. I'm not going to ask any of those questions. I need to ask myself those questions. What am I going to do for work. Where does the Lord want me to be? What is his will for me? I am asking and doing my part to listen to the spirit. I have to quiet down,, not fear, be ready to accept his goodness for me. How many times does he want to give us a gift we aren't' prepared for it. I'm doing all I can to prepare myself for those gifts.
He has already given me the gift of health. Its overwhelming when it comes around. I have walked the dog a couple of times and ended up doing a slow run. I was fine. So now physical wellness is coming. I won't take it for granted. Now I'm working on mental wellness. My life is beginning to become full. Now my goal is to find a way to support myself by using my talents. The way will come if I have faith. I do but I have to work at it daily.

Been a long time

Feeling bad about who I'm becoming. My son moved out and my daughter will do the same. So I'll be alone like I'm asking for. Really want the opposite but don't know how to be nice so better they go where its a healthier place. I use to be a patient person, a sane person. Maybe I still am. I think there has been lots of misunderstandings. I don't know how to talk to my family without them feeling attacked. I'm not even answering my mail from the forum. I've begun to isolate myself as a protection. My communication skills are not there. I have so much frustrations inside and feel like I must always stuff it away. I just wish I could be held and cry into someones arms. Someone to tell me its ok, that my children do love me and appreciate me. Someone to help me know how to tell my kids I love them and think they are wonderful. They really are the most wonderful kids I could ever hope for and dream of. If I said that it would come out like I'm yelling. Something is really wrong. Maybe when the ribas are out of my system this feeling will go away. Its a horrible place to be. I think I'm distrustful of everyone. I'm sure this trust issue keeps jumping out of me since my divorce. Also at the same time as the divorce this other friend defrauded me out of lots of money. My ex stole my identity, for money, my step son stole from me. Its really not my fault. Both this guys fooled lots of "smart"people. Then I went into tx so quickly and didn't get through all that emotional baggage. I wanted to do it the right way but didn't have time. I would suggest for any going on tx to make sure all your relationships are very strong and tight. Talk about it and make sure the family or flatmates know what to expect and how they can help you. Treatment for hep-c is so hard. Its not for the faint of heart. I'm not sure I was strong enough for it. I was for tx but not enough to sacrifice my personality and my family unit. The kids don't have a Dad. I'm all they have and thats not much now. I feel self-pity ..yuck...and feel like half a person if I feel like I'm human at all.

I don't like the anti depressants and feel they are making me cold and unfeeling. Many things have been said on my part that are wrong. If I could get off the meds I will feel better. Maybe then I can bring my family together....the kids are together..its just me that feels like I'm beginning to fall apart. I do believe the anti-ds have a purpose but when someone starts feeling worse then its time to make a change. I'm going off of them but I'll do it ever so slowly and it will take a couple of months. I will be so happy to be off of them. I will be happy to be a better mother, friend, and neighbor.

Today I decided to turn off my phone in the day. I feel better not knowing that no ones calls then look at my phone all day to see if I missed anything. Its pathetic and again..self pity...again yuck.

I did meet someone yesterday that is a new good friend. Terry, she is a darling, cute woman that has been to hell and back like me. I had a quick connection with her. She had been on interferon for lupus for eight months. Then she was addicted to pain pills. Now she is meeting others with chronic diseases for (group therapy). It was nice to meet a real person that has joined the interferon club.

So Terry was shopping like me and we met in this obscure boutique that I didn't know was there. A guy on the street was holding a sign for the shop. So I met Terry and we talked for a while. When she left the store, the shop girl told me her Dad went through Hep-c treatment. She said years. I'm sure it was a year but must of felt like years with the post tx problems. She said her Mom was strong and held the family together. Lucky girl...jealous....if only I had a healthy husband to hold the family together.

I did buy a really cute dress and headband. Also a darling pink shirt. Shopping for clothes is helping me right now and I'm not one to usually go shopping to feel better.

The sickness will never go away

I feel like I'm stuck in a horrible stephen king novel. the hep c was bad but I managed it. The treatment is like going to hell and back but I managed it. Now I should be well and I'm having interferon and riba flashbacks. I tried to lower my anti ds and today had a meltdown. The pain tonight was so bad. I didn't want to take a hot bath but its after two in the morning and I needed relief to sleep. I took pain pill, sleep aid, tylenol, and its like nothing. I think I'll just make a story out of this. Part fiction , part non-fiction about a disease that won't go away. Society lives with it. Society doesn't know about it. The human race is getting sick with hcv and they won't know it till the liver is partly damaged. They are told by doctors the tx has some flu like symtoms....thats all. Oh I would like every doctor to have those flu like symptoms. If I every get the flu again, it will be a cake walk.
I've had a amazing couple of years. Married a fraud, narricist, adulter, sex addict. I loved who I thought he was. Has money stolen from me by him and his children. They are like a band of theives. Then waited till some of this was over and dove right into tx. I thought tx would be over. The pharmaceutical company says it should be over. Of course they lie or no one would take their drugs. More like poisen. So I'm tring to get the poisen out of me. It takes awhile. I'm sure every new cell made during tx, during the six months is full of the posien. Maybe when they die and reproduce new ones I'll get well. If I'm not, I may turn into a grouchy old lady that tells kids to get off my lawn. I'm on anti ds. I call them fat pills since they make you fat. Only people that take them know this as the pharmaceutical companies hide this fact. They will tell you that you gain because you eat more from not being depressed. I'm on a starvation diet and I finally began to lose when I lowed my dose. I had a meltdown with a crying and rage fit so I uped the dose of the fat pills once again.
Sorry. I must be more positive or I'll scare everyone off from taking pegasys tx. The good news is it should get better in a year. I've heard that from others that took tx. I believe them over the doctors any day.
Going to sleep now before the hot bath wears off. It took the edge of my pain so hopefully I'll fall asleep.
Goodnite world.

Hard Day need anti'ds?

I have cut my anti-ds in quarters and taking one quarter each day for over a week. Thought I was doing quite well. Today I had a fall/back. I was angry at my kids for sleeping in. Just seems like it always happens. Lots of things building up. Flash back from my ex marriage and step kids. I may have had a flash back to the riba rage. I was so mad and couldn't explain myself. Mostly I cried while telling the kids it was time they grow up and move out. I needed help and all my friends weren't doing it for me. I decided my son needed a man. I called his Uncle from his Dads side. I cried and he understood. He called my son to try to fix things. So now its fixed. We are on happy terms. My kids are great kids. I just can't seem to communicate as I'd like at this time. I should have written an email instead of yelling and crying like a ten year old. Then I could make sense of the note and my thoughts. I'm so thankful the kids put up with me. I look forward to the days ahead that these drugs are out of my system!!

This experience shows me that the sides from post tx are real. I looked on Nomads today and was surprised that another tx friend had a angry outburst with her daughter today. She is still on anti-ds so it may not be what caused my problem at all. I'm still going to get off them. I took my full dose today and will do that every other day till I settle down. Then I'll slowly get off of them. I'm glad I stayed on a lower then normal dose to begin with. Getting on half my lower dose this week brought my sixe down in pants. I was so happy to be back to my skinnier jeans. I think I'll call the anti-ds my fat pills since that is what they are. Oh you are happy..... but then you are down since you get bigger. grrr

Being Productive

I'm feeling more energy as I'm going off the Lexapro (anti-ds) As soon as I read they can put weight on you I knew I needed to get off of them quickly. When I saw through my food journal that I'm eating very little and not losing weight, I began a google search of Lexapro. I found that it can cause weight gain. I've always feel a full feeing in my stomach after starting them. Actually they made my stomach feel very ill when I first began to take them. I think I started them at the end of June. I'm on 1/4 tablet now and I'll wean myself off them slowly. Maybe in a week. I'm feeling more emotion and liking it. I was doing some work in my garage and found something that reminded me of my divorce and I cried. That was good. I need to cry and not stuff away my feelings. I think the anti-ds may keep you from feeling and that may not be so healthy. That is great for hep-c treatment but not so good in the long term.
My next goal is to get off the pain meds or at least get to a different kind of pain med that is not a narcotic. I broke my nightly pain pill and broke it into four quarters. I took three of them. I will get off these a little slower then the anti=ds since I've taken them longer. I know I can do it. I've done it before. Its not so hard if you do it very slowly. I prayed that I can do it. I know anything we pray for that is right and good, it shall be given unto us.
I'm so thankful for this hep-c and the treatment I've gone through. I didn't know I was that strong. I'll never be the same again. My heart is full and grateful. Hopefully I'll be one of those wise Grandmas that have seen it all and is very wise. I'm looking forward to Grandchildren years. I think that is a good motivation for getting off these meds and getting healthy. I'm thankful that I had the meds throughout hep-c and tx. They helped me survive. I'm thankful for a wonderful, wise, doctor with a good, kind heart. Dr Burrell is fantastic.

Almost off the anti-ds

I have been aware of my food consuption since keeping a food journal for those on the Nomads board. Their are not many bad habits to report. The worse is my love of Guarana Brasilian soda. As soon as I go a week without it Pixie will give me a medal. As I have seen that I don't eat much, but I'm gaining weight, I've goggled lexapro. That is the anti-d I'm on. It seems to be a pattern with others on it. I don't want to gain and I'm ready to get off of it. I needed to taper off. I already only took a half of the lowest dose during tx so now I'm on 1/4 of a pill. Its been three days and I'm feeling good. I do have more emotions, but I like having the happiness and the tears when needed. I believe tears are good for you. Best not to hold things in. I'm planning to be off of them completely by Tuesday.
So quiet here this weekend. My daughter went to Utah for the week and now my son took off to Oceanside for the weekend.

Be still and know that I am God

I went to a conference tonight with a speaker that talked about this one scripture. It was wonderful. I realize that the world will continue to keep us busy but we must remember to keep our minds still to feel the spirit. If you are into yoga they may ask you to stop the chatter in your head. Same type of idea. It means to completely let our will be Gods will and trust him.

I'm feeling better and am getting off the anti ds. I'm cut them in half so I'll see how I behave in a week.

Im being to feel healthy

I began a subject on the Nomads forum as I was encouraged by Pixie. The subject was my food journal. As some of the members encouraged me to eat healthier I began to like the food I began to eat. I began to stay away from sugar. I did some exercise on Friday and had delayed muscle pain. For normal people it should just last a couple of days. Now here I am on Tuesday and I'm not in pain. This is quite a testimony to me that what you eat is very important.
How I wish I had done this years ago. I had let go of many vices for religious reasons and kept on eating the candy and soda. Now I realize that the other things I was eating was also wrong. It was hurting my health.
I'm actually enjoying eating what is good for me. When you really see it helping your health, you want the best food you can have.
This is a quote from my scriptures about health and the word of wisdom.
I have pondered it more lately then I ever have.

http://scriptures.lds.org/dc/89/1-4#1

Now I know what is wrong

I went to the gym on Friday and used a jump rope there. It was a great work out and so much fun. My mother began using one at age 60 and into her seventies. She had a routine and was not one to age gracefully. I don't like to run although my mother also ran for 10 miles a day. Hard to believe but true. Since the weather is colder...only 80 degrees but as I'm use to the desert heat, its too cold for my favorite exercise; swimming.
I have kept a food journal the past week thinking my muscle problems where food related. And being most aware of this, I ate better and have experienced no pain.
Since jumping rope at the gym, I had delayed muscle pain that began sunday and is worse today. I read about this. It seems that I need to start slow.....soo sad...I enjoyed the workout and want to do more of it.
It does solve the mystery of what is wrong. I thought it was fibromyalgia but its just from exercise. I don't want to not do anything, my weight has gone up and I must lose it. Hopefully by eating better and just taking walks (for now) I can get some relief. I'm getting a massage tomorrow so I'll ask Stacia about this problem. She does work at a physical therapy center so she may have advice.
I went to Stake conference yesterday. The Church leader that spoke told us much will change in the world now. Not to fear. We can still have happy families. He gave some instruction on this. I'm so thankful for those wise words. So much will change in the world. Not a good change, I imagine since we are continually being told not to fear. I'm not fearing yet. I'm very happy. I'm just getting prepared. My one goal now is to plant a vegetable garden. I get irrigation so it shouldn't be too difficult.

Beginning to feel human

I was called by Pixie from the Uk last week and she suggested I start a subject of my diet to help me sort out my health. I began to do this on the forum for all the world to see. Its really helped me watch closely to my diet and get feedback from others on the forum.
I had a massage on Tuesday and will again this Tuesday. My pain I was feeling has improved so much since I had the massage and started to watch my food in take.
On Friday I went to the gym and asked for a jump rope. It was great exercise and fun at the same time. I sweated a lot. I need to sweat all this junk (meds) out of me.
I'm feeling like I'm finally getting this post tx sorted out.
We had stake conference in my Church Sat and Sun. Both meeting were inspiring and wonderful. Today we were warned changes will be coming swiftly in the world. We were told not to fear as we can still have happy families.
I'd like to be writing more but my eyes are still bothering me. I look forward to writing more as that improvement comes.