Been a long time

Feeling bad about who I'm becoming. My son moved out and my daughter will do the same. So I'll be alone like I'm asking for. Really want the opposite but don't know how to be nice so better they go where its a healthier place. I use to be a patient person, a sane person. Maybe I still am. I think there has been lots of misunderstandings. I don't know how to talk to my family without them feeling attacked. I'm not even answering my mail from the forum. I've begun to isolate myself as a protection. My communication skills are not there. I have so much frustrations inside and feel like I must always stuff it away. I just wish I could be held and cry into someones arms. Someone to tell me its ok, that my children do love me and appreciate me. Someone to help me know how to tell my kids I love them and think they are wonderful. They really are the most wonderful kids I could ever hope for and dream of. If I said that it would come out like I'm yelling. Something is really wrong. Maybe when the ribas are out of my system this feeling will go away. Its a horrible place to be. I think I'm distrustful of everyone. I'm sure this trust issue keeps jumping out of me since my divorce. Also at the same time as the divorce this other friend defrauded me out of lots of money. My ex stole my identity, for money, my step son stole from me. Its really not my fault. Both this guys fooled lots of "smart"people. Then I went into tx so quickly and didn't get through all that emotional baggage. I wanted to do it the right way but didn't have time. I would suggest for any going on tx to make sure all your relationships are very strong and tight. Talk about it and make sure the family or flatmates know what to expect and how they can help you. Treatment for hep-c is so hard. Its not for the faint of heart. I'm not sure I was strong enough for it. I was for tx but not enough to sacrifice my personality and my family unit. The kids don't have a Dad. I'm all they have and thats not much now. I feel self-pity ..yuck...and feel like half a person if I feel like I'm human at all.

I don't like the anti depressants and feel they are making me cold and unfeeling. Many things have been said on my part that are wrong. If I could get off the meds I will feel better. Maybe then I can bring my family together....the kids are together..its just me that feels like I'm beginning to fall apart. I do believe the anti-ds have a purpose but when someone starts feeling worse then its time to make a change. I'm going off of them but I'll do it ever so slowly and it will take a couple of months. I will be so happy to be off of them. I will be happy to be a better mother, friend, and neighbor.

Today I decided to turn off my phone in the day. I feel better not knowing that no ones calls then look at my phone all day to see if I missed anything. Its pathetic and again..self pity...again yuck.

I did meet someone yesterday that is a new good friend. Terry, she is a darling, cute woman that has been to hell and back like me. I had a quick connection with her. She had been on interferon for lupus for eight months. Then she was addicted to pain pills. Now she is meeting others with chronic diseases for (group therapy). It was nice to meet a real person that has joined the interferon club.

So Terry was shopping like me and we met in this obscure boutique that I didn't know was there. A guy on the street was holding a sign for the shop. So I met Terry and we talked for a while. When she left the store, the shop girl told me her Dad went through Hep-c treatment. She said years. I'm sure it was a year but must of felt like years with the post tx problems. She said her Mom was strong and held the family together. Lucky girl...jealous....if only I had a healthy husband to hold the family together.

I did buy a really cute dress and headband. Also a darling pink shirt. Shopping for clothes is helping me right now and I'm not one to usually go shopping to feel better.