My children have moved out. Thought maybe missed me but I think they miss the house. I need to decide about a house mate to move in with her ten year old son. My own son feels I am not trusting of people and wonder why I'm hesitating. I had a good house mate once. She was respectful of me. We disagreed on many subjects and we had many delightful discussions. That was the good old days that was not so long ago. I had not even met her and by phone told her how to get into my home. I was on holiday myself. She was sent to me by another friend. Some times I have a gift of who to trust. I had a couple of predators in the last few years that wore me down till I was so weak and gave over my trust. I lost much. Now my son's idea was for me to move out of my house...he and his sister pay me rent with the other woman that wants to be my house mate. I feel worse then before. Maybe he meant well but I feel like my home is the object of desire with none for the mother. He would like me to leave my own home. I feel like crying but I'm finished with crying. I won't do that again. I'm strong now. This tx has shown me how I need boundaries with everyone. Now I know my limits. I'm at my limit now. There is nothing to do but take care of myself. That should be easy since my life has been taking care of everyone but myself. Now just me? Oh joy..should be a walk in the park. Only wish someone would have told me before tx that no one would understand that I would be sick. I think I would have stayed alone for the duration.
Those of us that go through tx learn quickly who will stand by us in our most vulnerable time. I had not felt so alone and helpless in my life. I would rather be here alone helpless then have someone living here walk by me and see me helpless without doing anything for me. Who can be my guardian if I'm in the hospital and unable to respond?
I've been a very generous person throughout my life. Always standing up for those that have no one. It was strange to be on the other end...needing some human love for myself and not having it. I am on my own with God by my side. I can count on him to be with me. My personal relationship with the saviour is my lifeline. He is my every breathe I take. Little things are glorious now. Seeing a butterfly brings amazement as I look at life as a child. Sunsets, full moons, nature is beautiful to me. Christmas on the way. I'm looking at it as what it is meant for. To celebrate the birth of Christ.
I don't know if I can be so trusting and Christlike, the way I once was. My heart is not as it once was. Once I loved all and now I long for love to come my way.
Oh I had to come back and edit this. Some good news for me. I am making tamales tomorrow with a friend (she is Mexican) and we are selling them. I checked my emails and I already sold 48. I even sold some at the market when we were buying the ingredients for the tamales. I told the lady in front of us (forgot how that conversation started) and asked if she wanted to buy some after we made them and she was very happy too. She wants the real ones not the cheap store bought ones sold in most places. Very happy that I can make money while helping people.
