coming back from interferon

finish off this blog

2009-08-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

I want to finish off this blog. Its now been a year since tx ended. I'm doing great. I'm happy. I still have some insecurities. For the most part I'm coming to terms with my fears. I'm becoming the person I thought I could be but was too sick.

I think it best to use a automobile analogy. I am the car. Maybe the liver was my transmission (very important in a car). My transmission is working great now that I finished tx and I'm still watchful over what I put in my engine. Even though the transmission is good, there are still little things to fix on the car (me). I need tires, a tune up, or a oil change. I compare that to my hormone replacement, thyroid, or my osteoporosis. Just small problems that annoying. All of these problems are reversible with time, nutrition, and exercise.Maybe medication for a time. AS time goes on and my body reverses some of these smaller problems, I gain health. I feel stronger. The strength is within me.Even those around me can tell I've become a new person. There has been a change of heart. I'm more grateful, I'm more humble.I have struggled with my health, my relationships but Ive come back full circle and now everything is better. Life seems like a wonderful gift right now.

I have financial challenges at this time, but I'm at peace and I'm happy. I know this too shall pass, so I might as well enjoy this ride. Even if the car needs a couple of minor repairs. : )

happy fathers day

2009-06-21T17:43:00.000-07:00

This is about a great father. You may want to have a tissue handy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhqRMP9meMc

yuck

2009-06-18T00:33:00.000-07:00

Last night had a clogged sink in kitchen. Turned on garbage disposal then I heard water backing up and splashing on floor in laundry room off kitchen. Today I tried to be my own plummer as I broke more parts as I went on. Soon the cabnet under the sink was wet and the floor was wet. My previous handyman came by to try a hand held snake that goes down the pipe. It wasn't good enough.I need a plummer with a big machine. He is so nice to come for free since I've referred him to friends and he has so many jobs now. Hard to focus on job hunting with all this going on. I did go to job preparedness seminar tonight at the Church. It was good. I'm also making tamales tomorrow. I got a call from a guy in my Church calling about helping me look for a job. Told him about the pluming. He called me back with the news he will be taking care of financial costs of plummer to fix my sink.That is so nice of them. My Church has always helped me during tough times. I prefer to be the one helping instead of the one to help. I will swallow my pride and become more humble then I've already become from tx.

Really really beginning to feel great

2009-06-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Last week I had vein treatment on a leg then a week later..on Tuesday had a follow up treatment to do more small veins. This time the doctor just did injections. Again it was interesting to me to see it on the ultrasound as he did it. I could see the needle going in. He was training another doctor at the time so I could understand everything. So once again I have to wear a support stocking for a week on this leg. Then I'll have two more treatments. Then the other leg. I'm happy to get this done by such a good doctor.
My son moved in a couple of days ago. I need his help with house bills. So thankful he moved in here. Just nice having him around.
I'm working on my resume and turning out quite well. I didn't know how many skills I had till I put them to paper. I had to slow down the past ten years with illness but I still have volunteer work to put on my resume. Also, I've been helping a service business this past year. I've installed software and helped him become more organized. Just writing this down has helped my self esteem. I've been feeling beat down after so many health problems with hcv and then post tx.
As I look back in my life, I know my prayers are being heard and answered. I'm constantly wanting to do The Lords will, not mine. I feel he knows all things and knows what is best for me, better then I do. As I have that desire to do as he would have me do, I feel he will help me achieve this desire. I need strength, health, clear mind, and a path. I know it will work out.
This week, I have been mowing the yard, keeping the pool clean and in working order, cleaning house, and working. I've worked at the shop. Even made 8 dozen tamales last week. Now working on my resume for job interviews. Every Sunday in Church they always circulate sign up sheets for service and I pass them by. My health has been low. This last week I signed up to take some food to the mens homeless shelter this weekend. What a good feeling, to be healthy enough to have this desire to serve others.
I'm gaining the health I need. I'm feeling better then I have in years. Eating properly has helped, plus my prayers being answered. Sometimes miracles take time, lots of time. I'm beginning to feel like a miracle. My health is not perfect, although I'm coming into the light at the end of the tunnel.
I will starting a new blog with a different title since I feel post tx is over.

vein treatment

2009-05-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

I had a vein treatment on Tuesday. There was a bad vein that had blockage. The doctor was going to zap it with a laser light. When I got there I found out it was more then that. They put a cathader in my leg and down the vein. Then they put a laser to it and zap it. That shuts it off and it dies. Then they shot in meds that made the little ones die. He said I have plenty of good veins to take up the slack. I'm glad I had it done. I remember my mother having a blood clot in her leg. That could have happened to me. I have to do the other leg next month. Its a hassle because I have to wear a support stocking everyday for a week. I know I have it easy compared to the old days when women had to have their veins stripped out of their legs. My legs don't seem to look bad but they could see the veins with this new light that shows inside the leg. Its quite interesting.
Also found out my bones are weak. I'm now taking calcium, magnisium, and lots of D. Plus I was doing the weight bearing exercises off of youtube. I think the exercises will help the most. Your body makes stronger bones when the body knows you need it. Just like muscles. You lose bone and muscle if you don't use them.
I feel the need to challenge myself to be healthy in a year. It will be hard. Old habits are hard to change. I have heard if you do anything for thirty days its easier by then to make it a habit.

Goal for wellness

2009-05-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

Always have a great Sunday. My favorite day of the week. The only thing I do on Sunday is go to Church. There were some good talks today by the youth speakers. I'm amazed every Sunday at these youth that get up in front of everyone to do a talk. I've only been asked a couple of times to give a talk. Public speaking is not easy for me. I've been happy that my kids learned young.
I think I'm feeling slightly better. I thought I'd be recovered by now. I think a more reasonable goal for wellness is two years post treatment. I had NO idea that I'd feel this bad after tx and reaching SVR. I was thinking about my Mom today and when she was my age. She was very healthy but she worked on it. She exercised and watched her diet. I'm glad I remember some of her routine. I'm going to start on a real exercise routine so I can measure how I progress. I'm going to start out very slow and easy

It ended well

2009-05-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

First of all I wrote this by accident on my other blog. sorry about that.
I had a good and terrible week. My intake valve on my pool broke (my fault) I was able to take it off and take it in to the pool store. Lucky it was savaged. Then as I was waiting for the glue to dry on the seal, (Doing the work myself)then the pump went on auto with the timer and burnt out the pool motor. So I went to the pool store and she told me how to take out the motor. I had to turn off the electricity to the pool equipment. Lots of taking apart pieces. It weighted a ton. I took it to her and got a new motor. Then I put it in. I really didn't know how handy I was with a screwdriver till now. I asked her if I was really going to save money doing the pool myself. She told me yes, that I broke everything already. Tonight I went to the new Startrek movie. I felt a bit guilt for spending the money...after all the problems with the pool. It was worth it!! It was fantastic, trektastic!! It took me back to the old days of watching startrek, only much better

Mothers Day

2009-05-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

It was a very good Mothers Day. My son had friends staying at the house from Utah. They were here for a wedding. Nice boys. One was Tongan. Tongans are always wonderful, and a delight. The kids left today. I left before they woke so couldn't say good-bye. I went to Church. It was a nice program. My son showed up in the middle of it. We spit up when he came. He went to Priesthood and I went to the Enrichment class (womens group). It was a good lesson on facing adversity. A couple of women talked about how they handled adversity. After our classes we walked the halls and visited with people. Then we went to the house. I called my daughter and we both talked to her. She had been trying to call earlier to say happy mothers day. I then made some food. After eating we played monopoly. It was so fun. We stopped after a couple of hours and will take it up again. He is winning. :(
I still get worn out easy. Still not well. I wonder if my liver is still rebuilding. How long will it take to feel good? I know its not my age. I know much older, active people. I don't want to complain too much, knowing I have lots to be thankful for.

worked

2009-05-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

I worked today doing data entry for a friends business. I like doing work with computers. To me its easy work. Nice inside with air conditioner, sitting down. I'm going to work there again tomorrow. It feels good to work. It was awkward at the beginning till I settled in to the routine.

The swim lessons will end after tomorrow. The girl giving the lessons can give them at her moms new rental home. Yay!! I didn't make much profit after getting chemicals for the pool. She did give me the pool blanket which will come in handy next year so the pool will warm up faster. Maybe I can use it into the fall so the season will last longer. My shoulder was hurting today. I know its my old injury coming back. I went swimming this evening. I become out of breath quickly. I'm suppose to have this lung x=ray. My insurance doesn't pay for it so I have to save up. Also hoping this shortness of breath is allergies, or something else , and will just go away.

crying

2009-05-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

I could hear crying all morning. I went out back to watch the swim lessons. Seems like a technique anyone could teach with practice. Basically she teaches to swim fast pace. For example the mom put the child by the pool side. Sally reaches up and puts their hand up in dive position then pulls them into the water. They may cry till they hit water and go under. She then pulls them up and says take a breathe then pulls them under again. She brought out the rings and dropped them underwater for each one to pick up. She again pulls them into the water and says grab a ring. they go underwater and get a ring. Some may and some may not come up crying again. Its actually quite comical. One father said his daughter cried the first three days last year and then was fine the rest of the lessons. She swam all summer.
Last night I went with a friend to see a car she wanted to buy. All car salesman are sharks, vultures, etc. She didn't buy one. The guy was trying to get her to buy a Chrysler PT Cruiser. Glad I was there to say no! When she left she was so shaken, she didn't want to go back. I think she found one privately. I hope that one works out. A sensible Honda civic. It a older one, high miles but well taken care of. She won't have to finance those absorbent rates of 17 percent. For a Honda high miles should not be a problem.

Good Sunday

2009-05-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

Had a good day. A busy day. Went to Church. Had a family history class last hour of Church. Brought my laptop and learned how to do more searches for ancestors. After Church a friend stopped by for a visit. She was in town seeing family from San Diego. She had her two year old with her. It was nice to catch up as we were chasing the little one. He reminded me of mine at that age. Very fast. Later I went to an other friends home for dinner. I brought tamales that I had frozen. I heated them up of course. She had three families from Oaxaca Mexico. My son came later. There was a man that was a good business contact for him. He is doing a lot of business in Latin America. Had lots of little kids running around. It was a nice evening.
My pool will be used for swim lessons starting this week if the pool is warm enough. I'm finding out that the kids taking swim lessons are almost babies and the parents drop them in the deep end. My friends grandchildren are coming to the class and she told me all about it. She said one of the grandkids did it last year and won't go near a pool.: ( Her daughter told her its just the new way of learning to swim. Anyway this will be interesting. The girl doing it has taught this technique for years. She was a swimmer, diver all her life. I'll hold judgment about this technique till I see this for myself. I have earplugs ready since I can't stand hearing babies cry. The house has been so quiet, it will be nice to have people around.

been a while

2009-04-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks I've been to London, Scotland, Norway, London, Brighten, back to Arizona. Been walking, on the metro, bus, train, plane, car, more walking. Great to be with the kids. Good times, little bit of grouchiness, more good times. I had trouble keeping up the pace. Last time in London I was healthier with the hep-c then now. Or maybe its a tossup. But I was going at my own speed last time and this time keeping up with my daughter who is Speedy Gonzalez. My son is somewhere in the middle and he did fall back with me from time to time. My back hurt. Am I whining enough?
Easter was nice. Got to Church early. My kids wanted to see a museum across the street. I sat down in the chapel and a girl brings me a cupcake and says Happy Easter. The choir was rehearsing. The cupcake was coconut. It was delicious and the music beautiful. The kids came in as Church as beginning. I enjoyed all the quiet moments of the trip. I'm not as tolerant of noise and crowds as I use to be.
I saw nomad friends. Very nice day. I saw Hepkitty for a quick drink that turned into many drinks (soda) and nice walk to the park. Also looked in some shops. Missed Fishy. Hopefully next time.

Brrr

2009-04-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

Had a good day. I sleep well the last two nights and woke early. Did some grocery shopping. Trying to get a three month emergency supply of food. Been making plans for London. Also for Norway and Scotland. Went to the Easter pageant last night. I took a Mexican family. This night it was in Spanish. I had a head set that translated it into English. It was really good. I think 200 people performing in this pageant. Very professional with spotlights, music, dancing. It was outdoors on this huge set. It was also cold to me. I had a jacket and a blanket over me. The wind kicked up. I kept wondering how I"m going to feel in Norway. Brrrr.

Want to keep posting

2009-04-02T00:36:00.000-07:00

I have a headache tonight. Very bad. Almost nauseous. I'm going to sleep it off. I've been doing lots of cleaning of paper work. I think my bad eyesight triggered this headache. Its not yet as it was pre tx. I get stressed doing this anyway. Its bill paying, its getting papers for taxes. I am trying to be more grateful for things. For my children, my home, my health. I saw Natalie Cole on Larry King. She feels she has kidney failure from hcv tx. She is looking for a kidney doner. Many things could have gone wrong with tx. Just grateful I came through without serious consequences. Yes my head hurts but tomorrow should be much better after a good nights sleep.

Happy April Fools Day

2009-04-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

My cousin told us on face book he had wreaked his motorcycle. After 22 posts he told us April Fools. I had a feeling this was a joke. Fell for it.
I miss the days my kids were little and we'd play jokes on each other. Maybe by next year I'll get my old sparkle back.

Did you think to Pray?

2009-03-31T23:53:00.000-07:00

I've had concerns. The two men called to be my home teachers (come to see my monthly to see how I am and teach me a lesson) came to my aid last week. As they were leaving I told them my air conditioner broke. One said he has a air conditioner company. So lucky me. He fixed it at a rate I could afford. I had someone already tell me what was wrong and this man sent someone to confirm it. What a blessing. The other home teacher put a saying on an idex card for when I'm stressed or worried. That saying is Did you think to Pray? That has helped me so much. When I feel concerns are heavy in my heart and I then see that card...then I get to my knees and say a simple prayer. So easy, yet overlooked so often.

tender mercies

2009-03-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

Got lots of cleaning done today. Then I went to my friends to use this Migun Table that gives your back and neck a massage. It really helped my back. After that I remembered a wedding reception that was very close by. Went home and quickly got dressed up. It was beautiful. Another friend of mine did the food and decorations. I'm very happy for her. She will get lots of business now. This reception was expensive. Each table had five dozen roses. White lights were everywhere. Even high in the trees. This house is one of my favorites. Its a large estate. It was so beautiful that I was distracted from the people there. Too much stimulation. Oh there was a huge movie screen with photos of the bride and groom. Very professional. Usually there is a smaller tv with a dvd of the bride and groom but this was massive.
The reading I'm doing is going well. I'm busy doing the days for my LDS 12 steps. Its very cleansing for my spirit, which is damaged from memories. Even if they are buried they are there. Its not like I'm rehashing old problems but accepting and believing the atonement will heal me. I'm also feeling an awakening that I've never felt before. Its wonderful. This is going to be a fantastic year.

Trying to sleep

2009-03-28T02:38:00.000-07:00

Had a nightmare last night so its hard to sleep tonight. Good news as I did get an email from my daughter. She's in Prague and stayed in Germany on the way. Her friends are in a race there. Glad to see her involved in traveling while in Europe. Also my relationship with my son is improving. I have come to see I have issues to overcome. These issues may not be obvious to the outsider but I struggle and God knows my weaknesses. Since my tx is over I've noticed my weaknesses and I'm trying to correct them. Using 12 steps to do this. I have a book for a LDS 12 steps. I bought this book for my ex but he left it here. I saw it as I was cleaning in my garage. I opened it and saw wonderful program. Its what I needed for myself. Its such an inspired program. This is inspired, its free, and it has been shown to work. This is for addictions, co-dependents, and family members of addicts and co=dependents. This last year I cleaned out the virus in my physical body and now its time to take care of past issues to carry on with a emotionally healthy life as I am working for a physically healthy life.

Tired

2009-03-27T22:48:00.001-07:00

Had a full day. Made ten dozen tamales today. Then went to a movie with Richard. Nice to be in bed resting. Too tired to say much.

Second Chance

2009-03-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

I think everyday is a second chance to improve ones self. To learn to serve and love others. I was watching the video from JB and Pixies wedding http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=GB&hl=en-GB&v=r7XG5vtsB6s
One of the photos was one of myself my daughter took at Disneyland soon after I finished tx. As the other photos continued on the video with the music, I had a great sense of gratitude for this second chance. Also a sense of graditude for those I'm about to meet at the social in London. As I have my second chance and meet this special group that is getting theres.(I do know some are non=responders but we have a second chance to love them) I'm planning this time of my life I will do things better. I will work on being less selfish. I will work on my co-dependent nature of having to control everything. (This is not easy for me.) I want to trust and have faith in Gods plan and those around me. I am certainly a work in progress.

look forward with hope

2009-03-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the air in the house went out. The repairman couldn't repair it yet. He is so nice, very old. He has helped me before. He just takes so long to fix things but charges me a good rate. It was hot last night. Tonight won't be so bad, it cooled off today. Also my back went out yesterday. I'm barely getting around. Had a good day in Church. Good speakers and the lessons were great. I was fine as long as I was sitting.

searching for tickets

2009-03-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

I have a day of going to Brighton lined up with my very good Brit friend. I believe she helped me keep my sanity when I was in London with my husband (if you can call him that). Nether one of us guessed what he was really up to in London till the house of lies came crashing in. She is an amazing happy positive person. She is a convert to the LDS Church like I am. It will be fun going to the London Ward on Sunday. Can't wait to see my friends in Church there. I haven't kept in touch with any of them. I left in such a hurry. It was a sad time at the end of my stay with my marriage ending.
I must decide soon about the days going to Ireland, Scotland, Oslo. I'm wanting to cut it back to two places. I just found out I have Irish ancestors. We also have Scottish ones, also British ones. I would like to have more time to do a proper family history tour. I'm sure I'll be back in the future.
I got a call today from a neighbor. Her daughter gives swim lessons. She sold her home and can't use the pool for the lessons. She wants to use my pool for the lessons. I will be compensated. I talked to her daughter about my concerns. Seems like it will work out well. Three days a week...many some crying children. Should be interesting. :P
Saw my doctor today. I got a b-12 shot. I also got blood taken for my hormones, D, and thyroid.

Footprints in the Sand

2009-03-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering how I got through tx without taking my life. I'm sure many hcv patients don't feel this way but the interferon really affected my brain chemistry. I'm back to pre-tx self. Glad that was not permanent. Anyone that reads this..LISTEN ITS NOT PERMANENT. Have hope! Also wondering how I managed post tx. That was rough in a different way. Most family members and even doctors wasn't really understanding how long the chemicals stay in the system. The medical community should just tell the truth. It takes 6 months to feel good. Maybe some feel better sooner (I did) but to feel solid ....my opinion...Dr. HUMBLE here.... its 6 months.

I'm thankful to God for being there, helping me make it through. I might not have noticed him there but now I look back, I know he was there during my darkest hours. Its like the poem "footprints in the sand". I look back and only see one footprint. This is a wonderful link to the poem. I feel this way about my life this past year.

http://www.poetseers.org/the_great_poets/misc/footprints_in_the_sand

Wedding

2009-03-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

First I made tamales today. My neighbor across the street order three dozen. I made some for my accountant to trade since he always does my taxes for free. Made some for my son for free. Then I got ready to go to a special wedding. My sons friend met his wife to be at my home. The boy also used my home to propose to his girlfriend during the time I was on treatment. He put candles and flowers out leading to the basement living area where they met. As I went to the wedding I reflected on how life is good now. I saw the old group of kids at the wedding reception. There was another couple that met at our home. Also another couple not married yet but will problely get married that also met at the house. It must be a magic house. I told everyone I'm ready for them to start to have get togethers at the house again. I'm back to my old self. Better then my old self. I've matured.
It was great seeing my son tonight. He looked great. He shaved off his beard he was wearing two days ago. Can't help it. Don't like the beard. I'm from Colorado and beards make me think of crazy mountain men or homeless men that can't shave. Although I love my son...beard and all...if thats what he wants. Hes so darn cute..doesn't matter.
Talked to my daughter today on the internet. I could see her through the web cam. It was fun. She wants me to go to Europe for a month and bum around with her. I may take her up on that offer. How many moms have a daughter want to do this? I should do it quick or she'll change her mind, or find a friend to do it with.
Tender mercies are felt in my heart as I read scriptures daily and ponder their meaning. I feel like the world is coming into focus....its about time. Although they have always been there. The problem was with me. The scriptures are like a pair of glasses. You don't know the world could make sense (come into focus)until you wear them...or read them.
Looking forward to meeting my nomad friends. This will be a great celebration.

new chapter 7 months post tx

2009-03-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

I think I'm back from interferon and need to start another blog. I want to tell anyone post tx that it gets better. I'm finally feeling like myself mentally. The interferon was rough but I'm feeling good now. I'm just off anti-ds. My advice to everyone is to take them during tx and stay with them till you are definitely ready.

Today I had a ultra sound done at the vein doctors. The technition had a time looking for the veins with leakage. He did find some bad ones. This could be causing the pain I'm having. When I get the laser removal it will help quit a bit. The advancement in how they get rid of veins is amazing. They do it with a laser.

I've been driving my daughters car today since its back from the machanics. I was listening to a CD of hers. This one had a song about a child going off to school. As the family prayed before the bus came, the feeling she had was the spirit with her. I almost cried. What good memories it brought back. It was a beautiful song. I remember having morning family prayer with my kids each day before they went to school. It gave me much needed comfort each day as I sent them out into the world. How thankful I am that I learned how to do this with the missionaries 19 years ago. I didn't have this growing up, although it would have helped me so much if I did.

Peace

2009-03-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

I'm continuing to recover and improve. Its been a long time coming. Peace and harmony are returning. I'm saying my daily prayers (morning, night, plus mealtimes)I'm reading my scriptures each night. It may seem to the untrained eye that I'm giving a lot of time to God, but in reality by these actions I'm allowing him more access to me. I feel it. I can testify of this. This brings me joy. As our world faces uncertainty, I feel certain of one thing and that is God lives and Jesus is the Christ. Its a feeling of great freedom.
I will mention something of interest about my health. I saw a doctor today that has a light. It looks like a flash light. But the light can show the veins beneath the skin. Technology amazes me. The doctor and I could see that I had varicose veins. Was this worsen by inactivity during tx? I'm quite sure it was. I'm getting a ultrasound tomorrow and then laser tx for these. My legs will look better with out the spider veins. And feel better with out the large varicose veins. The pain and restlessness I feel may be caused from these. I would never have seen these with out this miraculous light. It will be interesting to see how I feel after the tx for the veins. I won't have much down time from this procedure.
My son came back to Phoenix after a month in Utah. I picked him up at the airport. On the way to his place we stopped for "In and Out Burger". Nice of him to buy me lunch. Good to see him and listen to his youthful optimism.
I'm going to see lots of my hep-c friends in the UK next month. Looking forward to meeting these people that helped me through this most difficult trial of hep-c tx. God really does answer our prayers through many means. Here are these people that have sent me endless messages from cyberspace, and gave me strength. I hope I did the same for some of them.

hmmm

2009-03-05T23:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't been on here much since I've had much of the same. This week I feel like I'm having some good experiences. I'm reading again. Oh, how I love to read a good book. I re-read "The Hiding Place". I don't think there is anyone that would dislike that book. Its a true story placed in Austria during the time Germany invaded. This family was part of a underground to hide Jews. The two sisters ended up arrested and in a concentration camp. I find strength in their strength. I can hardly complain about my life without some guilt as my complains are small in comparison. These two women are good Christians that gave there lives to always help those around them and always pray for their enemies. These women are a light to anyone that reads their words. I learned more this second time of reading this book. I think my new life experiences have matured my understanding.
Its the same way I feel reading the scriptures. I can read the same passage one year and the next I'll see something completely different that I had missed. "Line upon line and precept upon precept." This is how we learn through the scriptures.
I would like to announce that I feel like dancing. I was listening to the radio and heard "Love Shack" come on. I know its a cheesy 80's song, but oh so fun to dance to. A few weeks ago I would have been annoyed and turned the channel, but now I was enjoying it and thinking about dancing. I called my friend tonight and told her I'm ready to attend the dances once again. I'm returning to my old personality.
Have now been calling my kids on skype. This has been so fun. My son is in Utah and my daughter in London. I've been able to talk and see them on the webcams. We even had a three way conference call. Nice to have some fun with them. My dog cut that time short as he somehow knocked my sonic drink off the table and it broke open. grrr. I do think happy days and interesting days are here again.

interferon flashback

2009-02-16T21:26:00.000-08:00

So tired today. So glad I could rest. I stayed in bed and it was wonderful....a little guilt but not too much. I would like to be feeling great each day but have faced the reality, that chemicals are still making their way out of my body.

I've turned the courner

2009-02-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

This has been a good week. I've kept up with the supplements of magnesium, D, and liquid omega 3 oils. I'm eating vegetables, eggs, fruits. I've been doing stretches, and some exercise. I have endless energy. Like nothing I've ever felt before. I still have trouble sleeping. I do NOT have that terrible pain like I had before. The extreme pain is gone. Its been gone since I started on the magnesium and vitamin D. I'm certain its gone for good. My heart is full of gratitude for the relief of suffering. I do have stress pain from my neck and back after being up and about all day. It is pain at a level I can handle with little complaint. I hope to get that under control as I continue the stretching and exercise. Tonight I took a hot bath with Epson Salt. I looked on the label and never noticed before...it says magnesium as the main ingredient. http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Wonders-Of-Epson-Salt&id=786252
I'm going to get some more inexpensive Epson Salt to bath in.
I saw my sister-in=law today. I took her some flowers. How nice it was to deliver a well deserved gift. We had a wonderful visit. The more we find out about each other we find many similarities in our life paths. As we mature we can share what we've learned through our trials. Its very nice. She has helped me throughout my tx and I'm grateful for her phone calls and thoughtfulness.
I got roses today from my son. I was so surprised and very happy. He is living in Utah for a period. My daughter is doing well in London. The three of us seem to be on our way to having a good year.
When I was tested for the virus about three weeks ago, I found the virus was gone. I was happy about it but not able to feel full joy because of the extreme pain problem. I can now express my joy at beating the virus. YES!! I feel and look my best. Again, my gratitude to God for being with me throughout my dark days can never be enough. I hope to do good throughout my lifetime on Earth to be an instrument through his hands. Im finally feeling the happiness and fullness of reaching a point of feeling and knowing Gods love for me and all mankind.

Wow they worked?

2009-02-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

I'm amazed to find that the Malic Acid with Magnesium and vitamin D were helpful. It worked better then any sleeping pill I'd been taking....which by the way..never worked. I don't know which one worked that quickly...my guess it was the Magnesium. My muscles didn't tense up and hurt in the night till about four am. I took another one and watched a show..falling asleep again. Have not sleep that well in a long time. I'm going to see how I do tonight. I read many web articles about the lack of Magnesium and vitamin D. Both can cause pain. They both calm nerves, help depression, and do many things. The vitamin D is very important and we don't get it in winter months. Magnesium has also shown to be helpful for PMS. Why don't they give young girls Magnesium instead of anti ds? Then the big pharmaceutical companies wouldn't get their money if everyone could be helped from a mineral. I'm just waking up and had to post this. I'm still skeptical (just my nature). I will see how I do the rest of the week.

Rain

2009-02-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

Its been raining for two days. Ruben and Rosario came by to change my headlights to better bulbs. They just cleaned the outsides with special salve. They looked like new. I gave Ruben some guarana for his birthday. He then helped me drop off my daughters car to be fixed. This evening I went outside to pick oranges to make fresh juice. I remembered Rosario and her girls have been feeling under the weather for a while. I juiced some oranges then took them a bag of oranges and my juicer so they could have fresh juice to get better.
Also got a post from kitkat who is a doctor. Kitkat told me that magnesium/maltate is something I may need for the muscle pains. Also vitamin D. I bought some today so I'll blog how that goes. I think she's absolutely right. I've read up on those supplements. Hadn't been in the sun all the time I was on treatment so it would make since that I'd be low on the D. I did go in the sun a few days in a row till it started raining. I even went out today when the sun came out briefly. It was cold but I let the sun touch my skin in the hopes it was making vitamin D.

Out on a Friday night

2009-02-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

Went out tonight to meet a friend. We sat on the patio of a restaurant at a newer outdoor mall. Nice night. I still wore my long velvet coat and boots. Cathy said my coat looked like one her mom had from the forties. I looked nice with my hair colored darker and trimmed nice.. I wore a dress. Starting to feel human again.
I had some spiritual experiences. Just feeling a load of gratitude. Enough that I cried. What a wonderful feeling. I was beginning to worry the anti ds were taking away the feeling of having the spirit around me. My heart is full now. I am finally making it through this tough time.
My tamale business is so fun. I have a logo now. It feels great to service people and spread some happiness through food as I'm making wages.

Seems being alone in the house has been good after all. I feel so alone but I needed to be alone to feel my way without distractions.
I pray every day for my kids. How I love them and wish for their happiness. I miss them. So thankful families are forever!!

New beginnings

2009-02-01T20:23:00.000-08:00

I didn't sleep much last night and I don't care. I'm beginning to go with the flow..and not worry so much about the sleep. It will come when my body adjusts.

I had a good Sunday and went to all my meetings at Church. My week always goes better when I do that. I haven't been doing that for a while since the meetings are three one hour blocks. During tx I went to one hour then post I would go to two hours. Now I'm back to three hours and it feels wonderful. One is sacrament (taking sacrament and speakers, one is Relief Society(womans group) and one is Sunday School. I loved it today as we talked of receiving personal revelation for ourselves and how we can do this.
Tonight I began to think about the water I was buying and how it costs too much. I looked on line about the water machines and then saw this great you tube video. This guy gets spring water and makes the water turn in to vortex to bring it to life. I suppose I could put two bottles together like he did...only my small ones. He is fascinating to me. Then I saw him on a video where he is making a elixir from herbs. This guy is the new genius of the upcoming generation.
I will put the links on here. I think my UK friends should be alright with water. I remember someone telling me the water was good there. But I really don't know. I watched all his youtube videos and I agree with him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbBKcysyMTk&feature=related

This one is also wonderful. I'm going to try the herbs he talks about. Hopefully I'll take some years off my life as I become healthier. I've already feeling better from the foods I'm eating.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVH2BlLHY3k&feature=related

Wow feeling good

2009-01-31T20:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to say. Maybe I'm getting better from doing the things the doctor told me to do. I'm staying away from breads. I'm eating mostly eggs, vegetables, and fruits. I'm drinking more water. I'm taking the B-6. I stept well last night. Nothing to complain about. Its wonderful.

We made tamales today. Rosario made me some eggs Mexican style. They were so delicious. They were the best I've ever had (for the simplicity of how she made them.) We sold lots of Tamales for the super-bowl parties tomorrow. Tomorrow is Sunday and no work, just rest. I am looking forward to Church.

I haven't felt healthy for so long I've forgotten how it felt. I am so full of gratitude for today.

catch up

2009-01-30T19:22:00.001-08:00

Last night I went to visiting teacher interview by the Relief Society President. She is wonderful and so sweet. We had a nice visit about what my needs are and was told that every one loves me here. Just so others not Mormon (LDS) understand visiting program is a program in the relief society in our Church. Any one can come to the meetings on Sunday. Its the largest women organization in the world. We sometimes are asked to help relief others suffering and that is why it is called that name. They set it up so each woman has two woman assigned to them and each woman is assigned two woman. So we get a visit each month with the lesson of that month. We in turn have a companion sister and we visit two women at their home each month and give the lesson. This is the link to the lesson. http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=45989a74a342f110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=true

So once a year we all are interviewed by the President to see how we are doing. To see if we are getting our visit and to see if their is any problems. It is a great program and I have always felt like I'm looked after even through tx. Although tx was so tricky, I felt so alone but I didn't want anyone around me. It was darn if I do and darn if I don't. Now I can reach out and let others help me. So it was a good meeting and we talked about me having another calling in the Church besides a visiting teacher. I'm not sure I'm ready yet. But you really feel blessed by doing something in Church, wether its working with little kids or young women (teens). This is a all volunteer Church. Everyone gives there time and talents. AS you give ....you recieve more talents then you ever knew you had. I have missed out during this year of tx.

Last night I sleep better. I have been taking the supplements, drinking more water, and rubbing the pressure points. One is under the arms. Behind the breast. You rub upwards to empty the lymph glands. That is one very important one and as it is emptyed and stops hurting as much then junk can move on through the body. (something like that) Another stop that is really sore on me is inner thigh about the knee. ouch. So I have massaged it a lot last night while watching a movie. As you notice spots that hurt you can press or rub those spots. They hurt for a reason. I wanted to explain this more so Fishy can do this. I wish I was there to show her. I will be in London in the next few months to see my daughter so must see Fishy too.

Today was tamale day. We sold six dozen and the house has that yummy smell. I couldn't eat any today from this diet. I did test a bite or two of the sweet corn tamales but I needed to as we make them. So I had ground corn, grated cheese, and sugar. At least I am sticking to the diet except those bites.

Tomorrow is tamale day. I figured out that Arizona Cardinals football team play the super bowl on Sunday. So I sent a text and email to drum up some orders. Since I don't work on Sunday, I'm making them tomorrow and people can heat them in the microwave for Sunday's game. I'm thankful to God for these orders and to this girl who is the best tamale maker I've known. Honestly, I have never cared to much for tamales till I had hers.

Back to Doctor

2009-01-28T21:27:00.001-08:00

Last night I had a bad night. (But not as bad as before) I was slow getting up today. I called the doctor and asked if I could learn what pressure points he rubbed on me that took away the main pain. He told me that would be fine. I went in and asked lots of questions. Having brain fog ; ) I forgot the answers. I did learn where to rub on my body to activate energy flows. Its easy and it works. So tonight as I'm watching a movie on my laptop, I've been able to do the pressure points. I'm still not tired. I wonder if its still the ribas in my blood. Its stays for 6 months as it takes that long for your red blood cells to make new ones. That means one more month till I'm fully detoxified.
There was a message on the board today from Terry. Terry told of feeling great right after tx (like I did) then feeling awful (like I am). Terry took everything from the doctor and finally went to a naturalpathic doctor (like I did yesterday) and the doctor told Terry to change her food (like mine did) Terry felt great about two weeks later and feels great to this very day (like I will!)

The doctor is in

2009-01-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

I had a rough night. Not as bad as the others. I told a hot bath and extra pain pills. I woke up early but stayed in bed as late as possible for my appointment. Saw my naturalpathic doctor. In his opinion my diet is the cause of the pain. He did some witch doctor voodoo stuff on me."Not really", just like to call it that. Poked me here and there. Rubbed the right pressure points causing the pain. And vaalaa. No pain. He gave me some supplements that strengthened me. One was Magnesium plus more that I can't remember but mostly magnesium. The other was B6. I take them three times a day. Keep taking my omega threes. No bread, no milk, no glutton. He suggested lots of eggs, avocado, and other vegetables, fruits, meats. I went to dinner with my son and his friend. It was at Macaroni Grill. I had a steak, potatoes, and asparaguse. I barely ate any of it so got a take home bag. I'll be eating steak with my eggs. The doctor told me I must eat breakfast and lunch. I'm not going to complain. There are many in the world that have very little to eat. I would be ungrateful to complain about this diet. I complained a bit but I'll stop that and just do it.

Waking up in the night

2009-01-27T04:34:00.000-08:00

I found this talk that I enjoyed about Faith.

David E. Sorensen, “Faith Is the Answer,” Liahona, May 2005, 72–74

Remember that faith and obedience are still the answers—even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.
Image

In the early 1950s the United States was at war on the Korean peninsula. Because of the draft policy of the government at that time, young men were not allowed to serve missions but instead required to join the military. Knowing this, I enrolled in the Army Reserve Officers’ Training Corps when I went to college. My goal was to become an officer like my oldest brother. However, during a visit home for the Christmas holiday, my home-ward bishop, Vern Freeman, invited me into his office. He advised me that a young Church leader by the name of Brother Gordon B. Hinckley had negotiated an agreement with the U.S. government permitting each ward in the Church in the United States to call one young man to serve a mission. This young man would receive an automatic deferment from the military during his mission.

Bishop Freeman said he had been praying about it and felt he should recommend me to serve as a full-time missionary representing our ward. I explained to him that I had already made other plans—I had enrolled in the Army ROTC and expected to become an officer! My bishop gently reminded me that he had been prompted to recommend me to serve a mission at that particular time. He said, “Go home and talk to your parents and come back this evening with your answer.”

I went home and told my father and mother what had happened. They said the bishop was inspired, and I should happily accept the Lord’s invitation to serve. My mother could see how disappointed I was at the prospect of not becoming an army officer right away. She quoted:

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” 1

That night I went back to the bishop’s office and accepted his invitation. He told me to go to the Selective Service Office and advise them of my decision.

When I did so, to my surprise the lady who was chairman of the Selective Service Office told me: “If you accept a mission call, you will receive your draft notice before you can reenter Army ROTC. You will serve as an enlisted man, not as an officer.”

Despite this unexpected change, my mission was wonderful. It changed the course of my life as it does for those who serve. But, true to their word, the government sent an induction letter drafting me into the U.S. Army about one month before my mission release.

After boot camp and military police school, I found myself assigned to an army base to work as a military policeman. One night I was given an all-night assignment to escort a convoy of prisoners from one camp to another.

During the night the convoy stopped at a halfway point for a rest. The commanding officer instructed us to go into the restaurant and drink coffee so we could stay awake the rest of the night. Right away he noticed that I declined. He said, “Soldier, you need to drink some coffee to stay awake the rest of this trip. I do not want any prisoners escaping or causing trouble on my watch.”

I said, “Sir, I respectfully decline. I am a Mormon, and I don’t drink coffee.”

He didn’t care for my answer, and he again admonished me to drink the coffee.

Again, I politely refused. I took my place at the rear of the bus, my weapon in hand, praying in my heart that I would stay awake and never have to use it. The trip ended uneventfully.

A few days later the same commanding officer invited me into his office for a private interview. He told me that even though he had worried that I would not be able to stay awake during the all-night trip, he appreciated that I had stood by my convictions. Then to my amazement he said his assistant was being transferred and he was recommending me to be his new assistant!

For most of the next two years I had many opportunities for leadership and managerial assignments. As it turned out, the positive experiences during my military service were more than I had ever dreamed possible.

From this simple story—and many more like it over the course of my life—I have learned faith and obedience are the answers to our concerns, cares, and suffering. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is truly the power that can change our lives and lead us to salvation.

How can we build this faith? Through our actions. We must “go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded,” 2 just as Nephi counseled. We must trust in the Lord with all our hearts, as my mother so lovingly taught me. Gratefully, many times when we exercise faith to do the Lord’s will, we find that we are richly blessed for our obedience.

Sometimes, though, we find that even when we do our best to serve the Lord, we still suffer. You may know someone who faces these most challenging of circumstances: consider the parent whose child becomes ill, for whom everyone prays and fasts with all their heart and soul, but who ultimately dies. Or the missionary who sacrifices to go on a mission, then develops a terrible illness that leaves him or her severely disabled or in chronic pain. Or the woman who lives her life as faithfully and obediently as she can but is never able to have the children she hopes for. Or the wife who does her very best making a good home for her family and raising her children, but whose husband leaves her. The scriptures have many examples of people who were saved after showing great faith, such as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego in the fiery furnace. But the scriptures also have many examples of devout people who did not get divine intervention during a crisis. Abinadi was burned at the stake; John the Baptist was beheaded; Alma and Amulek’s followers were cast into the flames. To do well does not mean everything will always turn out well. The key is to remember that faith and obedience are still the answers—even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.

Remember the Lord has promised that He will help us as we face adversity. He has particular compassion for those who suffer. It was He who said, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” 3

As part of the Atonement, our Savior suffered all things. He knows physical and emotional pain; He knows the sorrow of loss and betrayal. But He showed us that ultimately love, patience, humility, and obedience are the path to true peace and happiness. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you.” But then, to warn us to look for more than just worldly comfort, Jesus added, “Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.” 4 The world sees peace as the absence of conflict or pain, but Jesus offers us solace despite our suffering. His life was not free of conflict or pain, but it was free of fear and full of meaning. The Apostle Peter wrote: “If, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

“For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: …

“Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously.” 5

We who have accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior must rely wholly on the merits of Christ. He will save us after all we can do. When we courageously exercise our faith and when we go forward relying on the merits of Christ, He will bless us and guide us in all of our efforts. He will strengthen us and bring us peace in the time of our trials. “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 6 I pray that each of us can better learn to put our trust in the Lord and to increase our faith in Him.

Now, brothers and sisters, in closing I wish to mention one other topic. Over the past years I have been blessed to be able to observe President Hinckley closely, and I want to remind you that President Hinckley is not only a living prophet but also a living seer. He sees things that others do not see. He has the gift of discernment; he is an optimist and a realist. I wish to express my gratitude to the Lord for preserving President Hinckley’s life and permitting him and his noble counselors to lead the Church for these past 10 years. Through President Hinckley’s divine guidance, the Church has received many far-reaching blessings, many that are not obvious. I strongly encourage each of you to more closely follow his counsel and guidance, for truly “a seer hath the Lord raised up unto his people.” 7

Jesus is the Christ. Joseph is the prophet of the Restoration. President Gordon B. Hinckley is our living prophet. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes

1. Prov. 3:5–6.

2. 1 Ne. 3:7.

3. Matt. 5:4.

4. John 14:27.

5. 1 Pet. 2:20–21, 23.

6. 2 Cor. 5:7.

7. Moses 6:36.

Tamale day

2009-01-26T20:57:00.000-08:00

Today was a work day. We made six dozen tameles. I love the smell of the sauce cooking. The house smells so good. Eating a couple at the end of the day is such a delight. Rosario helped me clean my daughters room so all her stuff is in boxes. Oh she has so much stuff. Mostly shoes, hats, purses, clothes. We put my sons stuff in a big box. He doesn't have so much. Then I got a call from the renters that they would not be moving in that apartment. At least the work is done for someone else to look at the place. This time I'll get a contract. I'm too trusting.
I'm still at my wits end on what is causing this pain. I'm going to my doctor of natural medicine tomorrow. If that doesn't work I'll keep working on this problem. Its difficult to focus on it when i'm losing sleep. One different angle I have is emotional pain. Maybe I havent' forgiven from my marriage and I still fear. I have nightmares about him and his kids. I listen to scriptures as I drive my car. Today I heard a part of the scriptures when one of the prophets feel pain of his sorrows no more. I'm going to spend much of the next couple of days praying and feasting on the word of God through the scriptures. I want to feel the pains of my sorrows no more. I know all I have to go through is for my good and to strengthen me. I'd like to say...hey...I'm strong enough here...please spare me. But I need to trust and develop my faith. I've been so messed up on the interferon and ribas that I lost my spiritual strength. I was so happy to go to all three Church meetings on Sunday. It made me feel much happier.

Sunday April 6

2009-01-25T14:42:00.000-08:00

Had a nice Church day. My son came and joined me for sacrement meeting then went off to the Young Singles Ward. Hes coming back to join me for dinner. I mentioned on my other post that its "take out"I picked up last night.
The speakers for sacrement were good. A young girl about 16 talked about plead, read, and record to feel the spirits promtings.That means to pray to God to know his will for us on this day. Then to read scriptures and we will feel a prompting to do. Next to record this event and we will see how the Lord works in our lives as we invite him to. The young man of 19 talked about how we can be blessed if we only do Gods will. He gave many acountings from the sriptures to explain this. He is going to Brazil on his Mission. These boys are amazing to leave everything for two years of their life to do Gods will. I want to go on a Mission as soon as I'm better. For my age, I believe its a 1year or 1 1/2 year mission. I'll sell my car for the money to go. Hopefully soon. I want to visit my daughter in London first. I think I can do a mission right here and just stay living at home. Why am I talking of a Mission when I'm planning on my bussiness? I'll see how it goes. I can build up the bussiness and let someone else run things as I do the Mission. Just thinking about this shows me how I'm feeling better then I was last Sunday. Last Sunday my mood was very low. Now I'm stable. Not high or low. Just right.

Australia

2009-01-24T21:28:00.000-08:00

Went to see the movie "Australia" tonight. I had low expectations since I feel the film industry has lost its way. I was happily disappointed so therfore I was happy with the movie. It was very much like I would imagine the country to be. Harsh at times and wonderful. Maybe like interferon is, if we can make it through tx and post tx. Yes I'd say harsh and wonderful to get to the other side.
After the movie I drove to Pei wei's to get take out. My son said he'd come to Church with me and eat at the house tomorrow. I didn't have any food and wanted the kitchen to stay clean for tamale making on Monday. I drove up five minutes before the closing of the restaurant. I feel like I succeeded at picking a good movie and getting tomorrows dinner.
I didn't get much done today. The sun came out in the mid day and I quickly went out back to see in it. Oh it was nice to sit in the sun!
I had taken a pill last night for fibro because I was in oh so much pain. I slept well and woke up feeling like it was wrong to take another pill. Its Lyrica. I looked it up on line and saw many that had problems with it. We have to be so careful not to take anything put in front of us. My doctor means well but its not going to be the right pill for me. I feel its diet related and need a cure and not a pill for the simptems. I think it was the chocolate I ate that caused the flare up. I was at Costco and there was a booth there selling chocolate without sugar. The samples were so good and I bought some.Thinking they were healthy without suger, I ate a couple of bars. I won't bore anyone much longer. I decided today, that I wouldn't eat that chocolate again. I tried to contact my doctor of natural medicine. In the afternoon, I went by his office. It was opened and no one inside. I went in the back and found the supplement I needed and left a twenty under his phone. When he called me back I told him what I'd done. He told me that is fine and I have an appointment on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to getting this sorted out and wonder what took me so long to see him. I'm feeling almost pain free tonight. I have been keeping a food journal on my desktop calender. Its helping me get to the bottom of my troubles.
I heard from my daughter for about 20 seconds. She told me she was going to sleep and goodnite.

Feeling more like myself

2009-01-22T18:59:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling more like myself. Calmer and more steady. I went to Costco to return a broken camera from two years ago. I finally found the box and could prove its the camera I bought. They did finally give me store credit after some haggling. At the same time I asked about selling my tamales there. They will pass my phone number on to the buyer. I better hurry and get my company planned out. Name, trade mark, and so forth. When I went to Lee Lees Market, I taked to the buyer. He wants a sample and to know I have the FDA aproval stamp. So the selling part is easy. I should just be a saleswoman. I love to talk to people. This is how I know my old self is back. When the post tx depression hit, I hide myself away. Only post tx people could really understand. The anti d is here to stay for a while. I've experimented by stopping it and I really did change. So if you are into Scientology....good luck with hep-c. You can't beat it by will power and positive thinking alone. The other heppers I've seen are all very strong people. They have tried everything just like me. Its best to just go through the tx and give it your best shot. No achohol. No drugs except the ones from your doctor. Some smoke weed on tx. I don't know if most of them have hep c negative later or not. I can certainly understand it. But the anti ds should help and its best to be monitored by your doctor. That is if you love your doctor. I wouldn't care for most of them. My doctor is so wonderful and understanding. I'm so thankful for my family doctor. My house is a mess but it doesn't concern me as much. I did exercise today. Doing my own routine of calisthenics on the tramp. Like this webpage.
http://www.expertvillage.com/video-series/83_calisthenics.htm

Had a nice dinner date

2009-01-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

This morning my daughter texted me she was in London. I texted her back and she me. It was great to communicate from such a distance. The rest of the day I took time out for myself. I bought some omega 3s, had part of a healthy sandwich for lunch. I sat by the pool. It was eighty degrees and its still January. I relaxed most of the day in bed with my laptop. I checked the news. This is the day Obama became President. I don't have much of a opinion on that. The problems in the world are going to take time to sort out. The world leans to the left, then it will lean to the right. Years of plenty and years of drought. We all should prepare for the bad years when all is good. So it was a good day. No guilt for not getting something done. I have been so busy thinking I had to make up for the lost hours, I forgot the most important person is myself. I'm still fragile and will have to change my negative thinking to be accepting and happy of what I'm feeling at this time. I collected my friend Richard at the airport. We went out to eat at PF Changs. It was nice and relaxing. Richard kept my thinking on a positive note. He would interrupt when I would use negative language. Its a habit from tx that I need to break. I had rebound depression this last week but I'm coming out of it. I had a few days of anti ds. I am going to take it slower this time around. I'm going to start back on a exercise routine once more. Richard strongly encouraged me to not order a coke so I had water. I will quit soda. Now I'm home in bed. I will sleep good tonight.

Changes

2009-01-19T19:11:00.000-08:00

Last night I took a half a anti-d. Been depressed. Bad thoughts. I heard if you get off anti-ds too soon after tx you may have a rebound deppression. I sleep last night better then I had for weeks. I payed for and orderd some saint johns wort from a friend. Now I took the anti-d, I can't take the saint johns wort. This tx doesn't mess everyone up like me, so don't worry if you read this and need to be on tx. I was not stable when I started tx. I had married a con-artist socialpath. I found out after a year of marriage , then divored him. I waited almost a year before starting tx but I was not recoved from that marriage. This man is so bad that he makes messes of people where ever he goes, so I was just normal road kill to him. When I started tx, I felt it was a piece of cake compared to that experience. Now I realize the pain is still there buried and poking out from time to time.
Today was a better day. Rosario came over to make tamales with me. Its a escape. I love it. Love fixing food for people and the people liking the food and paying for it. Now I know how it must feel to be a restaurant owner. Today was a school holiday and she brought her five year old. As she walked in the dog ran up the stairs to greet her. He jumped out of the box he was lying in for over two days. Then he began to eat. I guess it was the spark he needed.
My daughter left to London today. We had a big argument in the morning. Terrible of us. Yelling took place. Then a breakthrough. Some understanding of each others feelings. It was good.
I dont' know if I should continue the anti-ds. I think I should take a half for a few days then back to a quarter. I can't go on like this without sleep and feeling miserable. The worse is when nothing else is wrong and you wonder why you feel horrible. That is the worse guilt trip. Strange thing is this. I knew this tx would hurt my brain...that was the very thing that worried me. Reading the warning label and knowing this would happen. I was right, it did, and I'm not the confident, happy woman I was. I do have hope she will return someday. I have glimpses of it. I do believe this is not permanent if I can hang in there. I have heard that thyroid problems can be permanent and so far mine has stayed the course. I had it checked last week, just in case that is my problem. I'll know more tomorrow.

Experiment

2009-01-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

I'm having quite a bit of insomnia. Taking pills is getting to be a never ending game. I have a goal of getting off all pills. I decided to see what happens when I record or blog each night. I will see if that helps me sleep better. We are told if we record or journal each day, we will have blessings from it. I want to see if one of the blessings is better sleep.

I had a rough day yesterday. My little dog had a seizure. He must of had a prolonged one. When I found him, I thought he was dead. I rushed him to the vet and they put him on oxygen and worked on him. When he was stable I decided to let him have a chance over the weekend to come around. I couldn't fall asleep till about three am. Then I had to get up early. My dog is better today. He can stand up for short amounts of time. He is not eating. I bring him water that he laps up. I have also let him drink a bit of sugar water. His blood sugar was low at the vets. I'm happy he is better.
My son and daughter are moved out. He is the only one left to keep my company at home. He is a really good dog.
The bill was a bit much for a animal doctor. I did't have them run tests. That could have cost much more. I won't spend that much on a dog. I love the little dog so much but he is a dog. I'd rather give the money to a poor family without food then spend it on vet bills.

My daughter is moving to London on Monday. She is excited and I'm excited for her. It will be cold. The weather is great here in Arizona. I only wish she would have waited. But she is not one to wait around.

I will make a comment on my post tx condition. I'm still thirty pounds over weight, even though I'm off the anti ds. I'm still in a fragile emotional state. I really need anti=ds but the weight gain has to go. My eyes are still bad along with dry eyes. I have insomnia and pain. Gee that sounds terrible. Sorry about that.

Positives....My hair is growing back, I have endless energy, I am getting a lot of work accomplished. Making tamales is great. I make and sell them twice a week. I plan to expand to catering events.

Saw the Doctor on Thursday. He took blood work to check everything. My thyroid, hormones, liver levels, and the final hep=c test (hopefully negative)
I'm just about five months post. I should have waited till six months post for the big test but I'm sure if its still clear now it will stay that way. I have an idea that it will take a year to recover from tx. The reason is I'm older and I've had hcv for over twenty years. My liver was moderately damaged. I need to be patient with myself and I have little of that. Seeing it in words will help me remember to be patient and gentle with myself.

still coming back from interferon

2009-01-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

I have insomnia which causes me to be more emotional then normal. I'm more uptight then I use to be. I have lots of energy. I feel I'm making up for lost time. All the times I had to take naps from being ill from the hcv. My kids don't understand why I want to be organized, why I want to have events on calenders. I was so relaxed in the past. All the time they were growing up, I was not organized. Now that I'm playing catch up to twenty years of illness, I just have a desire to be organized. I was always envious of others that had a smooth running house hold. As a single mother I was already at a disadvantage. Not complaining, I'm just trying to understand the new me.

I still have mood swings of high and low. Often this can happen in a short period of time. Not having a good nights sleep may contribute to this. I went to the doctor today to get some true sleep aids. I found out the xanax I took was not a true sleep aid but more for anxiety. I had blood work done. This is the test to let me know if I'm rid of the Hep=c. Also testing my thyroid and hormones. All of those can affect my mood and can be caused by the interferon tx. I hope we find some answers.

For the most part, I feel good, lots of energy, working, enjoying life.

I'll tell you what went wrong

2009-01-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

I had a terrible week. I usually keep the Sabath Day holy. I go to Church and come home and rest. Its saved me from having added stress. That is the one day I count on and my body and mind count on to rest.
This Sunday I came home from Church and lay in Bed with my laptop. I was trying to buy health insurance on line for my adult children. It was such a hassle. It wasn't set up very well and I had to start over many times. I felt like killing the computer. That made me very stressed. I them begin to think of how my children should have done this themselves since they are unemployed. But I told them Id do it and felt I must keep my word. I justified working on Sunday by thinking it was service for my kids. It was not really, it was work...hard work. That made me so stressed I didn't sleep all night. Monday was a big tamale making day. Then my daughter had a flat on Monday. I went to help her. We got in a argument. I came home and cried. Rosario was there to hold me while I cried. It felt so nice. After we delivered the tamales and I went home...I called my kids over. I wanted them to help me more. To be more thoughtful. I needed to express my feelings. They didn't understand and just felt I was selfish. I felt unable to communicate my feelings and I felt unloved. I wonder if many post tx patients feel this way. I was aways generous before tx. I must have more bounderies now. This next Sunday I will do what I have always done ...that is to rest after Church. Fix a simple meal and just recover from the week. I've learned my lesson. My body and mind must have that time off. I believe we get blessed from obedience to Gods laws. That they are there for our good and happiness. I am learning to delegate things to my children that they should do themselves. It was a terrible week but one full of learning about myself. I am still very fragile.

Holidays are over

2009-01-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to do something new. We have been told in Church that we can get revelation from God for ourselves. This is how we are told to do it. Pray in the morning of what Gods will is for us this day. Then we read the scriptures. As we do this we will get a impression. That still small voice of the holy ghost (intelligence) telling us Gods will for us this day. As we do that thing we have an impression of we are told to record it in a journal at the end of the day. As we do this we will better understand personal revelation.
I have been doing this. Most of the time I think of a friend to call. Or it may be something else. Some amazing things have taken place. I can't post them on here since this is an open blog.
A coupld of days ago I got the impression to call a friend from Church. I see her on Sundays but have no idea what has gone on in her life. I told her I had an impression to call her.She had so much on her plate. She needed to talk for quite a while. It was good that I listened to that impression.
A few days befor that I had a terrible day feeling unloved by family. Its not true but I felt that way. I really must keep to this program of pray, read, and record. I am finding out there is always a need that I can help with. Life is too short not to be kind and helpful. The trouble I've always had was helping the wrong people that take advantage of me. Now that I'm doing the pray, read, and record, I'm finding direction that is positive. Now my will, but Gods will. He will always know all things. he know me and my gifts, talents. Knows me better then myself. So I'm putting this into practice to feel my way through this harsh world we live in.
Also doing well making tamales. That was not my idea either. It was also a impression I got as I prayed and read the scriptures. I didn't record it as I should have.Not in my wildest dreams I would be in the tamale making business but here I am. It is making me happy but I won't have thought this could make me happy. Only God knew it and guided me.
I'm thankful for tender mercies. So much to be grateful for. I'm sorry about the times I feel depressed and unloved. Those feelings does not come from God but from the adversary. Those feeling are not reality, but since I'm alone, I do get lonely and depressed about it from time to time. i had an impression to have my kids over once a week for a family night. They are happy to have a scheduled family night. Its nice to look forward to it.
I'm sure that is why so many marry too quickly in my age group. Just out of loneliness but more often then not the marriage is wrong.
I'm starting this business and its keeping me busy and out of trouble.

Happy New Year to all. I think and pray often for the dear friends I've met through hep-c forums.

Happy Christmas eve

2008-12-23T22:45:00.000-08:00

Its almost midnight. I'm feeling great. Seems like as soon as I was off the anti ds I became happy. Becoming happy by not taking the happy pills. I don't feel so fat. I have energy. Been busy with this little tamale making business. These really are great tasting tamales. I've tried some the last couple of weeks at other restarants. Mine are far superior. I may name them Humbles gourmet tamales.
I had a day off and did all the Christmas shopping. So fun to be off a day. After tomorrow I'm taking a few days off.
My relationship with my kids are much better. They just needed some space to figure out their life path. My daughter decided to move to London. She is so happy and I'm happy for her. My son is getting his act together to find a job.

My dog is having nighmares when he sleeps or some kind of breathing trouble. I'm keeping a close eye on him.

More good days ahead

2008-12-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

Went to Church today as I do every Sunday. Learned a lot in Sunday School. Great class today. So thankful for all I have been given.
So much has changed. I'm off the anti-d's. I'm feeling so good. Best I've felt in a long time. As long as I can remember. I still have nights where I'm not sleeping well. When that happens I take a pill for a couple of night to regulate my sleep. And that works for me.
I'm still making tamales and selling them. Everyone loves them and wants more. I'm happy that I feel like working. My kids are grown and moved out. That was hard for me. But I've adjusted. Its a new time in my life to enjoy.

Tamales for sale

2008-12-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

I had a great day. I emailed some friends last night that I'd be making and selling tamales today. I got lot of orders. 120 tamales in total. My friend from Oaxaca Mexico came over to show me how to make them. We made them together and split the earnings. It was a relaxing way to make money. Just make and roll the tamales while talking or listening to music. Low stress. And nice to bring happiness to people. In bad economic times people still need to eat. And tamales are such a great tradition in this area.
I also put an ad up to rent my basement apartment. A woman is flying in Friday to see it. I have a good feeling about her. Another woman wants to rent it but she has been from place to place. Not sure she is reliable.
I did talk to my therapist today on the phone for thirty minutes. I hadn't talked to her for a long time. She thought I sounded great. I discussed how I have little trust for people. She told me that is the right way to be. Trust is earned not just freely given over. She thinks I have a good head about me now. More then I ever had. So I'm glad to feel a healthy outlook. So I'm healthy now and I'll be off the anti-ds by next week. I'm taking about 1 milligram a day. Almost like taking nothing but I want to wean myself off this slowly. I have not noticed any problems doing it this way. I hardly take anything for pain these days. Really, my future is bright.

I'm finding myself so fragile

2008-12-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

My children have moved out. Thought maybe missed me but I think they miss the house. I need to decide about a house mate to move in with her ten year old son. My own son feels I am not trusting of people and wonder why I'm hesitating. I had a good house mate once. She was respectful of me. We disagreed on many subjects and we had many delightful discussions. That was the good old days that was not so long ago. I had not even met her and by phone told her how to get into my home. I was on holiday myself. She was sent to me by another friend. Some times I have a gift of who to trust. I had a couple of predators in the last few years that wore me down till I was so weak and gave over my trust. I lost much. Now my son's idea was for me to move out of my house...he and his sister pay me rent with the other woman that wants to be my house mate. I feel worse then before. Maybe he meant well but I feel like my home is the object of desire with none for the mother. He would like me to leave my own home. I feel like crying but I'm finished with crying. I won't do that again. I'm strong now. This tx has shown me how I need boundaries with everyone. Now I know my limits. I'm at my limit now. There is nothing to do but take care of myself. That should be easy since my life has been taking care of everyone but myself. Now just me? Oh joy..should be a walk in the park. Only wish someone would have told me before tx that no one would understand that I would be sick. I think I would have stayed alone for the duration.

Those of us that go through tx learn quickly who will stand by us in our most vulnerable time. I had not felt so alone and helpless in my life. I would rather be here alone helpless then have someone living here walk by me and see me helpless without doing anything for me. Who can be my guardian if I'm in the hospital and unable to respond?

I've been a very generous person throughout my life. Always standing up for those that have no one. It was strange to be on the other end...needing some human love for myself and not having it. I am on my own with God by my side. I can count on him to be with me. My personal relationship with the saviour is my lifeline. He is my every breathe I take. Little things are glorious now. Seeing a butterfly brings amazement as I look at life as a child. Sunsets, full moons, nature is beautiful to me. Christmas on the way. I'm looking at it as what it is meant for. To celebrate the birth of Christ.

I don't know if I can be so trusting and Christlike, the way I once was. My heart is not as it once was. Once I loved all and now I long for love to come my way.

Oh I had to come back and edit this. Some good news for me. I am making tamales tomorrow with a friend (she is Mexican) and we are selling them. I checked my emails and I already sold 48. I even sold some at the market when we were buying the ingredients for the tamales. I told the lady in front of us (forgot how that conversation started) and asked if she wanted to buy some after we made them and she was very happy too. She wants the real ones not the cheap store bought ones sold in most places. Very happy that I can make money while helping people.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T17:24:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving just passed. Nice day with the cousins and in-laws.My daughter moved out the next day. My son had already moved out. Its good and was needed. My mental health is improving since I'm not stressed about their lives. I can't be impartial to my own kids needs and struggles without feeling their pain. Its a nice break for me. No worries about what time they get up, or get home, if they work, or if they are going to school. I'm not going to ask any of those questions. I need to ask myself those questions. What am I going to do for work. Where does the Lord want me to be? What is his will for me? I am asking and doing my part to listen to the spirit. I have to quiet down,, not fear, be ready to accept his goodness for me. How many times does he want to give us a gift we aren't' prepared for it. I'm doing all I can to prepare myself for those gifts.
He has already given me the gift of health. Its overwhelming when it comes around. I have walked the dog a couple of times and ended up doing a slow run. I was fine. So now physical wellness is coming. I won't take it for granted. Now I'm working on mental wellness. My life is beginning to become full. Now my goal is to find a way to support myself by using my talents. The way will come if I have faith. I do but I have to work at it daily.

Been a long time

2008-11-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

Feeling bad about who I'm becoming. My son moved out and my daughter will do the same. So I'll be alone like I'm asking for. Really want the opposite but don't know how to be nice so better they go where its a healthier place. I use to be a patient person, a sane person. Maybe I still am. I think there has been lots of misunderstandings. I don't know how to talk to my family without them feeling attacked. I'm not even answering my mail from the forum. I've begun to isolate myself as a protection. My communication skills are not there. I have so much frustrations inside and feel like I must always stuff it away. I just wish I could be held and cry into someones arms. Someone to tell me its ok, that my children do love me and appreciate me. Someone to help me know how to tell my kids I love them and think they are wonderful. They really are the most wonderful kids I could ever hope for and dream of. If I said that it would come out like I'm yelling. Something is really wrong. Maybe when the ribas are out of my system this feeling will go away. Its a horrible place to be. I think I'm distrustful of everyone. I'm sure this trust issue keeps jumping out of me since my divorce. Also at the same time as the divorce this other friend defrauded me out of lots of money. My ex stole my identity, for money, my step son stole from me. Its really not my fault. Both this guys fooled lots of "smart"people. Then I went into tx so quickly and didn't get through all that emotional baggage. I wanted to do it the right way but didn't have time. I would suggest for any going on tx to make sure all your relationships are very strong and tight. Talk about it and make sure the family or flatmates know what to expect and how they can help you. Treatment for hep-c is so hard. Its not for the faint of heart. I'm not sure I was strong enough for it. I was for tx but not enough to sacrifice my personality and my family unit. The kids don't have a Dad. I'm all they have and thats not much now. I feel self-pity ..yuck...and feel like half a person if I feel like I'm human at all.

I don't like the anti depressants and feel they are making me cold and unfeeling. Many things have been said on my part that are wrong. If I could get off the meds I will feel better. Maybe then I can bring my family together....the kids are together..its just me that feels like I'm beginning to fall apart. I do believe the anti-ds have a purpose but when someone starts feeling worse then its time to make a change. I'm going off of them but I'll do it ever so slowly and it will take a couple of months. I will be so happy to be off of them. I will be happy to be a better mother, friend, and neighbor.

Today I decided to turn off my phone in the day. I feel better not knowing that no ones calls then look at my phone all day to see if I missed anything. Its pathetic and again..self pity...again yuck.

I did meet someone yesterday that is a new good friend. Terry, she is a darling, cute woman that has been to hell and back like me. I had a quick connection with her. She had been on interferon for lupus for eight months. Then she was addicted to pain pills. Now she is meeting others with chronic diseases for (group therapy). It was nice to meet a real person that has joined the interferon club.

So Terry was shopping like me and we met in this obscure boutique that I didn't know was there. A guy on the street was holding a sign for the shop. So I met Terry and we talked for a while. When she left the store, the shop girl told me her Dad went through Hep-c treatment. She said years. I'm sure it was a year but must of felt like years with the post tx problems. She said her Mom was strong and held the family together. Lucky girl...jealous....if only I had a healthy husband to hold the family together.

I did buy a really cute dress and headband. Also a darling pink shirt. Shopping for clothes is helping me right now and I'm not one to usually go shopping to feel better.

The sickness will never go away

2008-11-14T01:21:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm stuck in a horrible stephen king novel. the hep c was bad but I managed it. The treatment is like going to hell and back but I managed it. Now I should be well and I'm having interferon and riba flashbacks. I tried to lower my anti ds and today had a meltdown. The pain tonight was so bad. I didn't want to take a hot bath but its after two in the morning and I needed relief to sleep. I took pain pill, sleep aid, tylenol, and its like nothing. I think I'll just make a story out of this. Part fiction , part non-fiction about a disease that won't go away. Society lives with it. Society doesn't know about it. The human race is getting sick with hcv and they won't know it till the liver is partly damaged. They are told by doctors the tx has some flu like symtoms....thats all. Oh I would like every doctor to have those flu like symptoms. If I every get the flu again, it will be a cake walk.
I've had a amazing couple of years. Married a fraud, narricist, adulter, sex addict. I loved who I thought he was. Has money stolen from me by him and his children. They are like a band of theives. Then waited till some of this was over and dove right into tx. I thought tx would be over. The pharmaceutical company says it should be over. Of course they lie or no one would take their drugs. More like poisen. So I'm tring to get the poisen out of me. It takes awhile. I'm sure every new cell made during tx, during the six months is full of the posien. Maybe when they die and reproduce new ones I'll get well. If I'm not, I may turn into a grouchy old lady that tells kids to get off my lawn. I'm on anti ds. I call them fat pills since they make you fat. Only people that take them know this as the pharmaceutical companies hide this fact. They will tell you that you gain because you eat more from not being depressed. I'm on a starvation diet and I finally began to lose when I lowed my dose. I had a meltdown with a crying and rage fit so I uped the dose of the fat pills once again.
Sorry. I must be more positive or I'll scare everyone off from taking pegasys tx. The good news is it should get better in a year. I've heard that from others that took tx. I believe them over the doctors any day.
Going to sleep now before the hot bath wears off. It took the edge of my pain so hopefully I'll fall asleep.
Goodnite world.

Hard Day need anti'ds?

2008-11-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

I have cut my anti-ds in quarters and taking one quarter each day for over a week. Thought I was doing quite well. Today I had a fall/back. I was angry at my kids for sleeping in. Just seems like it always happens. Lots of things building up. Flash back from my ex marriage and step kids. I may have had a flash back to the riba rage. I was so mad and couldn't explain myself. Mostly I cried while telling the kids it was time they grow up and move out. I needed help and all my friends weren't doing it for me. I decided my son needed a man. I called his Uncle from his Dads side. I cried and he understood. He called my son to try to fix things. So now its fixed. We are on happy terms. My kids are great kids. I just can't seem to communicate as I'd like at this time. I should have written an email instead of yelling and crying like a ten year old. Then I could make sense of the note and my thoughts. I'm so thankful the kids put up with me. I look forward to the days ahead that these drugs are out of my system!!

This experience shows me that the sides from post tx are real. I looked on Nomads today and was surprised that another tx friend had a angry outburst with her daughter today. She is still on anti-ds so it may not be what caused my problem at all. I'm still going to get off them. I took my full dose today and will do that every other day till I settle down. Then I'll slowly get off of them. I'm glad I stayed on a lower then normal dose to begin with. Getting on half my lower dose this week brought my sixe down in pants. I was so happy to be back to my skinnier jeans. I think I'll call the anti-ds my fat pills since that is what they are. Oh you are happy..... but then you are down since you get bigger. grrr

Being Productive

2008-11-08T20:33:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling more energy as I'm going off the Lexapro (anti-ds) As soon as I read they can put weight on you I knew I needed to get off of them quickly. When I saw through my food journal that I'm eating very little and not losing weight, I began a google search of Lexapro. I found that it can cause weight gain. I've always feel a full feeing in my stomach after starting them. Actually they made my stomach feel very ill when I first began to take them. I think I started them at the end of June. I'm on 1/4 tablet now and I'll wean myself off them slowly. Maybe in a week. I'm feeling more emotion and liking it. I was doing some work in my garage and found something that reminded me of my divorce and I cried. That was good. I need to cry and not stuff away my feelings. I think the anti-ds may keep you from feeling and that may not be so healthy. That is great for hep-c treatment but not so good in the long term.
My next goal is to get off the pain meds or at least get to a different kind of pain med that is not a narcotic. I broke my nightly pain pill and broke it into four quarters. I took three of them. I will get off these a little slower then the anti=ds since I've taken them longer. I know I can do it. I've done it before. Its not so hard if you do it very slowly. I prayed that I can do it. I know anything we pray for that is right and good, it shall be given unto us.
I'm so thankful for this hep-c and the treatment I've gone through. I didn't know I was that strong. I'll never be the same again. My heart is full and grateful. Hopefully I'll be one of those wise Grandmas that have seen it all and is very wise. I'm looking forward to Grandchildren years. I think that is a good motivation for getting off these meds and getting healthy. I'm thankful that I had the meds throughout hep-c and tx. They helped me survive. I'm thankful for a wonderful, wise, doctor with a good, kind heart. Dr Burrell is fantastic.

Almost off the anti-ds

2008-11-07T22:41:00.000-08:00

I have been aware of my food consuption since keeping a food journal for those on the Nomads board. Their are not many bad habits to report. The worse is my love of Guarana Brasilian soda. As soon as I go a week without it Pixie will give me a medal. As I have seen that I don't eat much, but I'm gaining weight, I've goggled lexapro. That is the anti-d I'm on. It seems to be a pattern with others on it. I don't want to gain and I'm ready to get off of it. I needed to taper off. I already only took a half of the lowest dose during tx so now I'm on 1/4 of a pill. Its been three days and I'm feeling good. I do have more emotions, but I like having the happiness and the tears when needed. I believe tears are good for you. Best not to hold things in. I'm planning to be off of them completely by Tuesday.
So quiet here this weekend. My daughter went to Utah for the week and now my son took off to Oceanside for the weekend.

Be still and know that I am God

2008-11-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

I went to a conference tonight with a speaker that talked about this one scripture. It was wonderful. I realize that the world will continue to keep us busy but we must remember to keep our minds still to feel the spirit. If you are into yoga they may ask you to stop the chatter in your head. Same type of idea. It means to completely let our will be Gods will and trust him.

I'm feeling better and am getting off the anti ds. I'm cut them in half so I'll see how I behave in a week.

Im being to feel healthy

2008-11-04T04:14:00.000-08:00

I began a subject on the Nomads forum as I was encouraged by Pixie. The subject was my food journal. As some of the members encouraged me to eat healthier I began to like the food I began to eat. I began to stay away from sugar. I did some exercise on Friday and had delayed muscle pain. For normal people it should just last a couple of days. Now here I am on Tuesday and I'm not in pain. This is quite a testimony to me that what you eat is very important.
How I wish I had done this years ago. I had let go of many vices for religious reasons and kept on eating the candy and soda. Now I realize that the other things I was eating was also wrong. It was hurting my health.
I'm actually enjoying eating what is good for me. When you really see it helping your health, you want the best food you can have.
This is a quote from my scriptures about health and the word of wisdom.
I have pondered it more lately then I ever have.

http://scriptures.lds.org/dc/89/1-4#1

Now I know what is wrong

2008-11-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

I went to the gym on Friday and used a jump rope there. It was a great work out and so much fun. My mother began using one at age 60 and into her seventies. She had a routine and was not one to age gracefully. I don't like to run although my mother also ran for 10 miles a day. Hard to believe but true. Since the weather is colder...only 80 degrees but as I'm use to the desert heat, its too cold for my favorite exercise; swimming.
I have kept a food journal the past week thinking my muscle problems where food related. And being most aware of this, I ate better and have experienced no pain.
Since jumping rope at the gym, I had delayed muscle pain that began sunday and is worse today. I read about this. It seems that I need to start slow.....soo sad...I enjoyed the workout and want to do more of it.
It does solve the mystery of what is wrong. I thought it was fibromyalgia but its just from exercise. I don't want to not do anything, my weight has gone up and I must lose it. Hopefully by eating better and just taking walks (for now) I can get some relief. I'm getting a massage tomorrow so I'll ask Stacia about this problem. She does work at a physical therapy center so she may have advice.
I went to Stake conference yesterday. The Church leader that spoke told us much will change in the world now. Not to fear. We can still have happy families. He gave some instruction on this. I'm so thankful for those wise words. So much will change in the world. Not a good change, I imagine since we are continually being told not to fear. I'm not fearing yet. I'm very happy. I'm just getting prepared. My one goal now is to plant a vegetable garden. I get irrigation so it shouldn't be too difficult.

Beginning to feel human

2008-11-02T21:36:00.000-08:00

I was called by Pixie from the Uk last week and she suggested I start a subject of my diet to help me sort out my health. I began to do this on the forum for all the world to see. Its really helped me watch closely to my diet and get feedback from others on the forum.
I had a massage on Tuesday and will again this Tuesday. My pain I was feeling has improved so much since I had the massage and started to watch my food in take.
On Friday I went to the gym and asked for a jump rope. It was great exercise and fun at the same time. I sweated a lot. I need to sweat all this junk (meds) out of me.
I'm feeling like I'm finally getting this post tx sorted out.
We had stake conference in my Church Sat and Sun. Both meeting were inspiring and wonderful. Today we were warned changes will be coming swiftly in the world. We were told not to fear as we can still have happy families.
I'd like to be writing more but my eyes are still bothering me. I look forward to writing more as that improvement comes.

Monday

2008-10-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling better tonight. I didn't get much done today. I went through lots of books in my garage. I love books and don't want to get rid of any of them. I always wanted a library in the house. I may try to do that with one of the rooms.
It will help me if I just learn to let go of things, then I feel like I can let go of emotional baggage too.
One thing I've learned this last month is forgiving. I'm learning to be thankful for those problems from others instead of holding on to hurt. It lightens my load as I'm doing this. I'm amazed at the love I have been feeling for others that have hurt me. It also frees my spirit from that pain I've held in.

Holiday

2008-10-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

I had been wanting to go on a holiday. My son thought I'm still too ill for a long one so we decided California would be good. It was random in the way we went. We started driving later in the afternoon and got to the hotel at 2AM. I was trying to sleep and feeling the pain come on so I took a new pill my doctor prescribed for fibromyalgia. It knocked me out and my son woke me up in the morning. I knew we needed to go quickly to get to Disneyland. My head felt like it was spinning. I felt better after a shower. I read later that this medication causes dizziness, puffiness, water retention, weight gain. After finding that out I quit those. I'll only take them if I really need them. The day in Disneyland was great. We did get a wheelchair for me. The kids took turns pushing. The Halloween decorations were out and it was typical disney creativity. I loved it. The next day we went to Huntington Beach. We walked around a bit, sat in an outside padio, walked down by the water, walked out to the pier. After that we drove home. Forgot to mention I forgot my anti-ds. By the time we were driving back I had missed two doses. I was fine till the way home I began to have lots of laugh attacks, then once began to cry because I was laughing at someone. It was fun at first but it was out of control. I felt like I was on drugs not missing my drugs. When I got home that night I thought I'd try halfing my dose to 1/4 a tablet a day instead of a half. This will be the third night so I'll see how I do.
I was a bit agitated sitting in Church today and its awful when someone asks how I feel. I want to say my life is great now. They can't understand I've had this virus for twenty years then this medication that works at a cellular level. This will take time. Its my fault for telling everyone post tx should be easy. I thought a month or two would be enough to feel normal.
One things that helps is to say in my prayers all that I'm thankful for. That can make for a long prayer. If I focus on those things my stress level goes down. And I know that my Heavenly Father loves knowing how thankful I am for what he does for me. Just like its nice to hear from my own kids that they appriciate things I've done for them. I also prayer for those on tx. I know how much they need the prayers and strength to get through this.

Working and Joy

2008-10-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

I helped a guy that works on cars. He did work for me and I added software to his computer. I will be doing data entry for his invoicing now that the program is in place. I was there a few hours yesterday and a couple today. He did lots of work on my car for a trade. I enjoyed the work I did and felt it was like playing for me. Afterwards I felt so good. I really do have value as a worker. After tx I've felt good days and then horrible days. This guy lets me do the work at my pace so I haven't felt pressured. I'm so thankful for that. I'm also thankful for a job I like...that is great. After I set this up for this guy, I'll find another small business that needs my help. When I can speak Spanish better I can do some of this over the border. This is all just coming together for me by accident. I'm just thankful to God that it may be the answer to my prayers for self-employment.

This is a sweet song and video

2008-10-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

For the child in all of us in our darkest hours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIuphB7nyVg&feature=related

Friday

2008-10-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

I did a lot of work this week bringing back things from my storage unit. I have lots of books. And I have lots of junk. I put everything there when I thought I'd sell the house. Now that I can't sell it till the market improves, I thought I'd bring it home and go though the piles. It took two days and several trips. It wore me out. I had been improving. I had been sleeping well without any pain. Then last night the pain came back. I realize now it must be soreness from overdoing it. Just strange how much it hurts and the pain is all over. Ten years from now I'm sure a discovery will be made about post interferon and ribaviron use. My eyes are still very sensitive but I'm finally feeling some improvement. I've been taking lots of omega 3s and 6s,E, calcium, mag, v. D, buffered C, and my favorite CoQ10.

My kids were thinking of moving out ...and I was thinking it too. lol. A bit of family aggravation, just normal things. Now they may be staying and I'm happy about it. I love having them around and it won't be long before they are moved out. This is a nice sweet time for us. We are finally planning a family trip to California. I always feel a sense of healing as I sit on the beach.

9 weeks post

2008-10-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

As I've reached post tx, I have become sober to the realities of health. When I reached the end of tx, I made the mistake of thinking I would quickly be perfectly normal. Although I started swimming for health, I made the mistake of thinking I could eat and drink whatever I wanted. I don't drink alcohol or smoke but I like to drink sodas and eat sweets. I didn't have fresh fruits in the house.
Now I would suggest to anyone who finished tx to live differently. You have a second chance to have a better life. If those of us who finished tx can have the discipline to make it to the finish line, why can't we continue to focus on good health. Just keep up the good work.
I'm not going to be perfect, how boring is that? I need some fun. I'm making every attempt to eat good foods while have some sweets in the day. Of course I'll have a soda or two. But the point is, I'm trying. I have never been one to hurry in or out of anything. When I quit smoking, it took a few tries. I could do that cold turkey either. I had help from the smoking patches that conveniently came out at my third attempt at quiting. Its a load off your shoulders when you just make a desicion to change. Knowing its the right thing to do. I am only human and can't do this myself. I have my prayers in which I plead to God for help. Help me to do what I need to have a better quality of life. I want to be able to chase my Grandchildren around without problems.